The Alcohol Industry Retaliates Against Joel Tudor - Stab Mag

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The Alcohol Industry Retaliates Against Joel Tudor

This is getting ugly

cinema // Aug 9, 2017
Words by stab
Reading Time: 2 minutes

Ohhh boy, Joel’s in some trouble. 

But he had to have known, right? He had to have known that a blatant attack against the alcohol industry wouldn’t go unnoticed, less unpunished. The US government couldn’t even take on alcohol. Remember the Prohibition era? 

It appears the alcohol industry read Joel’s diatribe, ruminated, and conspired against him. They tracked Joel’s movements to and from Socal’s premier breaks. They watched as he shredded Cardiff, then Church, then back to Cardiff until finally, on one warm July morning in Malibu, they pounced.    

Right in the funboard!

There Joel was, cruising on a Malibu peeler, probably contemplating which type of dessert would accompany his nightly doobie, until WHAM! A three-headed snake lunged at Joel’s ankles, resulting in synchronized cartwheels and a pile of bureaucratic rage.  

Through Stab‘s facial recognition software, we’ve been able to determine within a 0.02% margin of error that Joel’s assailants consisted of: The Most Interesting Man in the World (who has surprisingly awful style) on the left; Doug Coors (a known goofy foot) in the middle; and a really big, buff security guard on the right. The latter, of course, was there to defend the beer moguls in the likely event of Joel going batshit crazy and trying to kill them. 

I’m unsure how this skirmish was settled but the implications are clear.

So long as Joel continues to lambast Corona and, even worse, smoke the marijuanas on US soil, the alcohol industry will be there. Dropping in, bumping rails, and perhaps even mocking his red-eyed glare.

Watch out, Joel. The corruption runs deep.

Screen Shot 2017 08 08 at 5.38.37 PM

 

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