Who Wore It Best: Mark Zuckerberg, Kai Lenny, or Jacob Szekely? - Stab Mag
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Who Wore It Best: Mark Zuckerberg, Kai Lenny, or Jacob Szekely?

Who is the proudest American of all?

news // Jul 5, 2021
Words by Michael Ciaramella
Reading Time: 2 minutes

Yesterday was July 4th, America’s date of independence from our former British overlords.

It’s a day of jingoistic celebration—one that is commonly mocked by our contemptuous comrades in Canada and Australia. Of course, they still have the Queen on their dollar and are clearly just jealous of our FREEDOM and BALD EAGLES. Anyway.

Independence Day is celebrated by consuming copious amounts of barbecued meats, cobbed corn, and White Claws (formerly Budweiser). There are tons of fun party games like cornhole, Spikeball, and subtly avoiding your creepy uncle Phil. In preparation for the festivities, Karens strap on their best pair of Crocs and run rampant under a sky alight with Chinese explosives. The entire fiasco is draped in red, white, and blue.

That goddamned American flag.

Be the flag. Photo: internet

Whether or not you want to admit it, the American flag has taken on new meaning in recent years—one rife with political unrest and social scrutiny. A banner that once represented the ideals of freedom and equality has become, in the eyes of some, a symbol of oppression, racism, misogyny, and all the other bad things.

Wearing a flag in 2021 can be interpreted in a number of ways. It could mean, ‘I’m proud of this country and everything it stands for, good or bad’. It could mean, ‘Trump 2024!’. It could also be saying, ‘I don’t care much for politics but really want to max out the Instagram algorithm.’

Which brings us to a few surfers* who posted flag-bearing videos on their Instagram yesterday: Kai Lenny, Jacob Szekely, and Mark Zuckerberg. We have to know, who wore it best?

In ascending order of personal net worth, excluding trust funds:

So, whose board-bound patriotic expression most enthralled you?

Was it Zeke’s cross-sport, ass-flaunting, America-fuck-yeah theme that got your freedom flowing?

Was it Kai Lenny’s highly-gymnastic, likely apolitical assault on the IG algo that captured your capitalistic tendencies?

Or was it Mark Zuckerberg’s milky-thighed, ne’er-say-fall power stance over his recently colonized Kauaian waters that made you feel most at home?

Surely, in terms of capturing America’s true spirit, the last cannot be beat.

*Aka a wavepool jockey, universal waterman, and robust data collector.

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