What Happens At Stab High Japan…

You weren’t there last night.

You woke up with no headache, no bruises, no memory gaps stitched together by other people’s Instagram stories. And yet, you feel worse for it. Because they were. They did things, and they said things. Some illegal, most definitely regrettable.

But here you are, indulging your curiosity like a voyeur at a keyhole.

You could envy them. You could curse them. But you’d be better off just listening to Stace, who sounds hoarser than the floorboards of a Tokyo basement bar at 4 a.m., and a marginally livelier Mikey, phoning it in from an LAX phone booth. Let’s not judge another man’s kinks, especially when they involve firsthand accounts of what happened poolside at Shizunami during this year’s Stab High presented by Monster Energy.

They touch on important matters such as who won, who lost, who did Monster airs, judging kerfuffles, wife-swapping, and, while we’re double-dipping, a verbal wrap-up of the Margaret River Pro, won by a Jordan Michael Smith.

If you were cursed by international datelines, you can rewatch Finals Day here. And if you’re just a very busy individual — a noble condition — we’ve conveniently packaged these highlights with your schedule in mind.