Stab Magazine | The Olympics Will Be The World’s Greatest WQS
323 Views

The Olympics Will Be The World’s Greatest WQS

Rumours of the 2020 Tokyo Gold Medal 1000.

news // Mar 17, 2017
Words by stab
Reading Time: 2 minutes

Talked to a guy the other day.

I’m not gonna sit here and name names but his may or may not rhyme with “Mat Fung” and he could be from the USA and he might be goofy and whatever fuck you it was Nat Young. Our source shall remain unnamed. If nothing else, Stab has always been a bastion of journalistic integrity.

Anyway, I saw him the other day and my mind wandered straight through his blonde hair and into thoughts about the Olympics. Surfing is in there in 2020, guaranteed, and our unnamed source could very well be representing whatever country he’s from. So, I asked a few questions. Dug up a few answers. Did some real New York Times shit.

The Hurley team rider that I won’t ever name out of respect for journalism (Nat Young) told me about how he heard it’d go down. Let’s dive in.

Tokyo 2020 Wave Pool edit

Apparently, there’ll be no trials – no programs set up to help you realise your dream of losing first round in the regional Olympic trials and blaming your fins. Instead, they’ll simply pluck one or two guys from each major surf nation based off of CT rankings. The event will use the WSL’s old faithful formula and be held in the world not renowned conditions of the Japanese summer.

In other words, it’s going to be the world’s greatest QS. And honestly, I think that’s great.

The Olympics, according to the Merriam Webster thesaurus, are a slowly crumbling assembly invented by the Ancient Greek homosexual overlords so that they could watch nearly-naked men thrust their bodies at one another. The modern interpretation of the Games is a Ponzi scheme that makes some sort of rich people committee a lot of money off Coca Cola.

Surfing’s inclusion means the world to the guys who have devoted their lives to competitive surfing and rightfully so – a gold medal there is the highest honour in both sports and Ponzi schemes. But for the rest of us, it will be an excuse to watch a few heats and thank fuck we didn’t get into archery, speed walking, table tennis or any other sport that requires you to defend your virginity with the militaristic devotion of those dead people who invented the Olympic Games so many years ago.

Comments

Comments are a Stab Premium feature. Gotta join to talk shop.

Already a member? Sign In

Want to join? Sign Up

Advertisement

Most Recent

An Early Pipeline Exit For Stephanie Gilmore Amidst GenZ Glory

Day Two of the 2023 CT season was a clear notice that the kids are…

Feb 3, 2023

Hand-Shaping, Glassing, And Finishing ’70s-Inspired Displacement Hulls Will Not Make You Rich

Profile: Tristan Mausse of Fantastic Acid is in it for all the right reasons.

Feb 3, 2023

Hassling, Head-Dips, and Broken Apple Watches

The 2023 CT is underway. Here's what happened on Day One of the Billabong Pro…

Feb 2, 2023

Stephanie Gilmore And Filipe Toledo Are The 2022 Stab Surfers Of The Year 

Caity and Hughie take Best Juniors, “NOZ VID” wins best film, and Ho and Pringle…

Feb 2, 2023

Stab Surfer of the Year: The Stab Premium Vote

Day Ten: You voted, we counted.

Feb 1, 2023

Red Bulls, Crypto Bears, Former’s Six-Figure Fish, Tyler’s Multi-Millions And More

A brief catalog of the latest surf industry news and whispers.

Jan 31, 2023

20:37

“Definitely The First Time I’ve Gone Surfing Via Plane”

Parker Coffin, Harrison Roach, and friends tear through NZ on Roark's most well-rounded surf trip…

Jan 30, 2023

Pipe Preview: This Year Feels Different

With John and Gabs healthy — and the arrival of the femme next-gen — here’s…

Jan 29, 2023

WSL Tells Competitors: ‘You Better Like Them Apples’

Will mandating competitors to wear Apple Watches make the 2023 tour more or less engaging?

Jan 29, 2023

Stab Surfer of the Year: John John Florence, Italo Ferreira, Balaram Stack, Rolo Montes, and Shaun Manners

Day 9: "You can't do better than his year last year." - John John Florence

Jan 28, 2023

Full Moon Surfs, Impassable Puddles, And A Few Nights Spent Sleeping In A WSL Commentary Booth

A reader-submitted collection of nonconformist surf stories.

Jan 27, 2023

Kael Walsh Now Owns A Bitcoin, And Watched One Crypto Video

He’s officially your Stab Edit Of The Year champion.

Jan 27, 2023

Carissa Moore And Finn McGill Are Your 2023 Vans Triple Crown Of Surfing Champions 

They both pocket $50k and tickets to this year’s Vans Pipe Masters.

Jan 27, 2023

38:24

The Pick-Up, Presented By Vans, Episode 5

Mason Ho helps us ring in our final week on the North Shore.

Jan 27, 2023

Goofyfoot Brazilian World Champion Stars In Stab’s Biggest Board-Testing Franchise

Can you guess who?

Jan 26, 2023

Surf Community Rallies To Raise Funds For Eddie Winner And On-Duty Hawaiian Lifeguard Luke Shepardson

Because it's the right thing to do, of course.

Jan 26, 2023

Interview: Caity Simmers On Machete Wars, Rihanna, Personal Project Problems, And The Rise Of Female Surf Content. 

A toast to ‘Toasted.’

Jan 25, 2023

Stab Surfer of the Year: Creed McTaggart, Albee Layer, Laura Enever, Dane Guduaskas, and Selema Masekela

Day 8: "65 years young and charging just as hard as ever at Pipe, Backdoor,…

Jan 25, 2023
Advertisement