The Olympics Will Be The World’s Greatest WQS

Talked to a guy the other day.

I’m not gonna sit here and name names but his may or may not rhyme with “Mat Fung” and he could be from the USA and he might be goofy and whatever fuck you it was Nat Young. Our source shall remain unnamed. If nothing else, Stab has always been a bastion of journalistic integrity.

Anyway, I saw him the other day and my mind wandered straight through his blonde hair and into thoughts about the Olympics. Surfing is in there in 2020, guaranteed, and our unnamed source could very well be representing whatever country he’s from. So, I asked a few questions. Dug up a few answers. Did some real New York Times shit.

The Hurley team rider that I won’t ever name out of respect for journalism (Nat Young) told me about how he heard it’d go down. Let’s dive in.

Apparently, there’ll be no trials – no programs set up to help you realise your dream of losing first round in the regional Olympic trials and blaming your fins. Instead, they’ll simply pluck one or two guys from each major surf nation based off of CT rankings. The event will use the WSL’s old faithful formula and be held in the world not renowned conditions of the Japanese summer.

In other words, it’s going to be the world’s greatest QS. And honestly, I think that’s great.

The Olympics, according to the Merriam Webster thesaurus, are a slowly crumbling assembly invented by the Ancient Greek homosexual overlords so that they could watch nearly-naked men thrust their bodies at one another. The modern interpretation of the Games is a Ponzi scheme that makes some sort of rich people committee a lot of money off Coca Cola.

Surfing’s inclusion means the world to the guys who have devoted their lives to competitive surfing and rightfully so – a gold medal there is the highest honour in both sports and Ponzi schemes. But for the rest of us, it will be an excuse to watch a few heats and thank fuck we didn’t get into archery, speed walking, table tennis or any other sport that requires you to defend your virginity with the militaristic devotion of those dead people who invented the Olympic Games so many years ago.