The CT Surfer’s Guide To Surviving A Shark Attack

At 8:00 AM West Oz time, the 32 surfers remaining in the Margaret River Pro will meet  with the World Surf League’s decision-makers and figure out whether or not to push forward with the competition, in light of the Shark Situation.

Tour Commissioner Kieren Perrow will probably show up at roughly 8:23, hair still wet from a solo session at The Box, because Tour Commissioner Kieren Perrow is not a coward.

Who knows what will come of the meeting — maybe they’ll call the whole thing off.

Is risking life and limb really worth the points? Is getting eaten by a shark a requirement on the path to proving to the judges you are the best surfer in the world?

Is Kieren Perrow the only person who isn’t a coward?

It’s hard to say.

Rest assured, we’ll forward you the notes from the meeting.

Until then, in the the hopes that they decide to push onward and declare some champions for fuck’s sake, we did some research on what The Experts say to do in the event of a shark encounter.

Then, of course, we tailored the advice specifically for the men and women of the Championship Tour.

So, ladies, gentlemen, Mikey Wright—here we go:

Don’t panic.

Commotion may attract the shark closer to you.

So, no splashing. No sudden movements. No thrashing your body around like it’s 2003 and you are Russel Winter on a warpath to a QS podium.

You have to remain calm — it may help to visualize yourself in a heat against Davey Cathels.

Always maintain eye contact, and never let the shark get behind you.

This was a point that The Experts love to hammer on about, and you know what? They can fuck right off.

Not sure why they think some Greyhound Bus-looking cunt of a Great White wants to have a staring contest with you before they lurch out of the darkest corner of the ocean and try to bite you in half.

Do an air.

Didn’t read this advice anywhere, but there is a reason why Mick got hit and not Filipe.

Punch it in the nose, poke its eyes, or jam your fingers in its gill slits.

“You’re going to want the shark to view you as a strong, credible threat,” one Expert told us. 

Nothing says credibility like finger-banging them right in the gill, am I right fellas?

But for real: if you’re getting attacked, this method of targeting the shark’s most sensitive areas seems to make sense. Maybe give competitors firearms, too.

Know your facts.

In 2011, 27 people in Australia died from being attacked by a Dog. There have been 20 Snake deaths in the nation since 2010. And an estimated 32% of Australian males under 30 years old are uncircumcised, meaning that Snips might actually be the biggest threat of them all in WA.

Considering these stats, the most dangerous place to be might be in the coach’s area.