The 7 most bizarre and fabulous non-endemics in surf

Words by Ali Klinkenberg The dipping of the non endemic toe into surf is something that we adore. Prying bucks off big corporations by selling them the surfing dream is to be implored completely, and those who do, hats off to you, savvy devils. From we the surf’s end, these relationships are straightforward. You see sticker on surfers board, and you know that the rider is being paid to represent the brand. What’s much more fun is to flip reverse the relationship and ponder what exactly the brands think they’re getting in return for slapping a small portion of their oversized marketing budget on that gaggle of young hedonists with the golden tans. Miss Fitz and the perfect training ground: Wadi Wavepool. Photo: Trent Mitchell/Red Bull Content Pool Sally Fitzgibbons and Dubai Xtreme. XDubai is an ‘extreme sports’ company from the mid East, whatever that means. The marketing director of XDubai, Esmail Al Hashmi, hopes that his company will, “bring action sport events to the city while creating branded content domestically that will bear fruit in the next five years!” Sally’s inclusion on the powerful roster of action sports heroes, that includes freestyle soccer player Séan Garnier, and BMX roughrider Nicholi Rogatkin, can only be related to the WADI wave pool, as there’s far more sand than waves in Dubai. But god, aren’t we sick of chlorinated chop hops? However, as we know, Dubai means oil and oil means money. Can you blame Miss Fitz from Gerringong for taking cash from a dark-skinned, moustached man in a thwarb, in return for a bit of slopping around in a wave pool twice a year, and lots of smiling? Probs not. That Weet-Bix sticker! That hair! Isn’t it everything? Gold Coast, like, really recently. Photo: Quiksilver Mikey Wright and Week-Bix. Week-Bix is owned by Sanitarium, which is owned by the Seventh day Adventist church. Fact. This unholy union is a real treat. Surfing’s awash with drab do-gooders, who’d be a surefire marketing winner. So what’d Week-Bix go and do? They went and threw a slice of their communion at an angelic young man with a famous brother. The brother was already a star and there wasn’t enough pennies in the donation box for him, but the younger brother was sure to follow in his clean cut footsteps, and further Week-Bix’s pious conquering of breakfast, right? Wrong! Mikey’s fast becoming one of the most prolific badasses in surfing, feat. Mullet, beer thirst, cigarette smoke, P-Pass, Chopes, Pipe, and homemade tattoos. Oh, I do love when a divine plan goes awry. I bet he puts sugar on his Weet-Bix, too. See the long, blue sticker on the toeside rail? Panasonic! And didn’t he do them proud in the days following this D’bah layday? Photo: Simon Muirhead. Filipe Toledo and Panasonic. Filly’s reportedly paid US 100K per annum by the Japanese electronics corporation. What exactly for, we can only speculate. But, it wouldn’t be a push to imagine Fill’s San Clemente McMansion stacked with ‘Sonic swag, like a criminal Swiss family Robinson stash house. If his family had one plasma each there’d barely be enough room to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Gabriel Medina and Gillette body. The internet sure is an unforgiving wench. Gone are the days of Hollywood stars sleeping soundly in their beds, with pillows stuffed full of yen, knowing that those reputation-ruining adverts for the Japanese Tsumara medical company (yes Dennis Hopper, I’m looking at you, how am I ever supposed to watch Easy Rider ever again after that?) are never going to see the light of Western day. So, when Gabs was standing in that shower, with those green 70’s tiles, with his little green razor, shaving off what can only be described as a very modest curation of chest hair, did he think that the rest of the world wasn’t going to revel in his painfully awkward experience? I see you there, Gabs. Brother hits the bullseye, amirite? Photo: Fraser Spratt Kolohe Andino and Target. Target was the red scare. The red scare that never came. But, before you get too excited, Target US and Target AU are two totally separate entities. Target US is all Converse and Missoni, Target AU is more plastic balls (hours of fun) and Jelly shoes. Brother’s Target deal involves a small sticker on his board, and a limitless instore card to buy whatever he pleases. So whenever the itch of boredom strikes, he can storm into Target and come out as a fisherman, footballer, grease monkey, or he could buy heaps of dress up rags and run around San Clemente dressed as a fairy. The possibilities, as they say, are endless. #Yungmoney Garrett McNamara and Mercedes. Surfing’s most intense man and jack boot German engineering (don’t mention the war) go together like peas and carrots. “The wind blowing in your face, it’s, just, well, magical!” Scenes of Gaz, with his mumbling and out-wide vernacular flowing, bobbing and weaving in the stainless steel design studio trying to recreate the experience of sloshing down a Nazare royale with extra cheese, and accompanying, “Ya Gaz, ve can make zis happen,” is just… bliss. God bless the Germans, where would we be without them?