Surfer Mag’s Soon-To-Be Owner Wants To Show You Jeff Bezos’ (Presumably Massive) Dick Pics

Just what has Surfer Magazine gotten itself into?

With The Enthusiast Network’s looming acquisition from American Media Inc., the surf world has become accidentally embroiled in a wild sex scandal. 

For those who don’t know, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos is in the midst of a divorce, after he was caught cheating on his wife of 25 years with a younger woman. While Mr. Bezos and his soon-to-be ex seem to have made amends re: his adultery (though they will still be splitting), the drama does not end here. 

Just today, Mr. Bezos released a self-penned op-ed on Medium titled, “No Thank You, Mr. Pecker,” revealing what appears to be a dick pic extortion racket with American Media Inc. 

In order to fully understand the situation, you should read the whole piece here, but for those with short attention spans we’ve arranged a Sparknotes version:

Essentially, AMI is upset with reporting done by the Washington Post (which Bezos owns) – reporting which implied that AMI-owned publications have been illegally influenced into promoting pro-Saudi agendas in their news pieces. 

The AMI-produced pro-Saudi rag in question.

In order to influence the Post to amend their stories, AMI has threatened to release Jeff Bezos’ “intimate photos” (which were sent between he and his mistress) to the world, which include, as described by AMI:

· Mr. Bezos face selfie at what appears to be a business meeting.

· Ms. Sanchez response — a photograph of her smoking a cigar in what appears to be a simulated oral sex scene.

· A shirtless Mr. Bezos holding his phone in his left hand — while wearing his wedding ring. He’s wearing either tight black cargo pants or shorts — and his semi-erect manhood is penetrating the zipper of said garment.

· A full-length body selfie of Mr. Bezos wearing just a pair of tight black boxer-briefs or trunks, with his phone in his left hand — while wearing his wedding ring.

· A selfie of Mr. Bezos fully clothed.

· A full-length scantily-clad body shot with short trunks.

· A naked selfie in a bathroom — while wearing his wedding ring. Mr. Bezos is wearing nothing but a white towel — and the top of his pubic region can be seen.

· Ms. Sanchez wearing a plunging red neckline dress revealing her cleavage and a glimpse of her nether region.

· Ms. Sanchez wearing a two-piece red bikini with gold detail dress revealing her cleavage.

Bezos and his mistress.

Keep in mind that AMI did not make this threat publicly. Rather, they sent it via email to Bezos and his team, who then decided to expose AMI with Bezos’ op-ed piece. 

Despite the fact that Bezos will be losing around half of his $137 billion (yes Billion) net-worth in his divorce, he remains quite the high-profile victim for this particular type of crime, as Bezos theoretically stands to lose much from his private photos being exposed. 

AMI sought to exploit this apparent weakness but made a huge oversight in their calculation – namely, that Jeff Bezos has a huge dick.

How do I know? Let’s read Bezos’ response to the AMI threat:

“Any personal embarrassment AMI could cause me takes a back seat because there’s a much more important matter involved here. If in my position I can’t stand up to this kind of extortion, how many people can?”

And when Bezos says, “If in my position,” he could, of course, be referring to his robust financial security, but more realistically he’s talking about his above-average penis size. 

Think about it.

This new emoji, which experts believe will be used to bully non-eggplant-having males, is of little concern to Bezos.

If his dick was small, or even if it was normal-sized but could maybe, possibly, potentially be construed as small, there’s no way Bezos would have taken this ballsy approach.

A man of Bezos’ financial stature does not jeopardize his legacy on principle alone. He’s not gonna risk becoming “that rich guy with the tiny dick” for some small moral victory. No! Nothing beyond macro-phallusy could explain how a man of Bezos’ socioeconomic standing would be cool with having his thing exposed to the world.

And now, thanks to that big ol’ salami between Bezo’s thighs, he’s in the wonderful position of 1. Having made AMI look like the rat-snakes that they are and 2. Either never having to hear about this issue again or having the photos released, which will make him a shit ton of sue-money from AMI and rebrand him as Jeff Bezos’, founder of the world’s largest e-commerce site and huge cock-haver. 

All of which is really bad news for Surfer Magazine who, if AMI loses its lucrative Saudi endorsement due to the Washington Post‘s reporting, might be forced to dissolve any of its non-profiting entities, including the historic Surfer Magazine.

Ipso facto, Jeff Bezos’ massive schlong might just have killed Surfer Mag.

Surfer Mag has given us a “no comment” on the matter.