Kelly Talks “Shit”, Joan Duru Launches His Title Hunt, And Short Johns Return

Mahalo you fuckin’ surfers, this week in the Greenroom we got a rare peek into the life and bowels of Kelly Slater as he “talked shit” with Joe Rogan. While Kelly was talking poop, Julian Wilson and his fans were taking one in their pants as Joan Duru launched his World Title attack, wiping Jules away and leaving him with a 5.10. Meanwhile Gabs fails to wrap it all up in Portugal, but enters the final skid at Pipe with a fibrous lead. 

Let’s relive this week from inside the greenroom.

“Yeah boss, sorry I couldn’t come into work I had really bad gastro. Yeah nah the surf was pumping hey the point was 6ft and offshore awww I heard yeah but ummm nah I dunno if the waves were any good aye I had the flu, I mean the my dog died, I mean my dog died of the flu…yeah.”

Watching Julian lose to Joan Duru with a 5.10 total when the World Title is on the line was nearly as painful as watching Wilko let Gabriel surf by himself for 30 minutes, while sitting on a bank where one wave came through the previous heat.

Plot twist: He was only 48.

Short Johns are the perfect wetsuit to wear on top of a purple rashie when competing in the masters division of your local longboarding club, or when your chest is cold but your shoulders are warm. Or when you’re Flynn Novak.

Oh my god, old man Slater hates shit.

Rock…Yeah, Ing…Yeah, Roll…Yeah, Floater…Yeah.

We watch as the stylish surfer cruises along long walls with a speedball type style. The cocaine twitching through an irritable bottom turn, the heroin taking hold as the board takes a euphoric high line, only to be jolted back to life by the increased heart rate and raise in blood pressure provided by the bottom turn.

A wise Greenroom surfer once said, “It’s easier to surf with style than it is to try and convince people that you have style.”

Wide eyed surf/dance music fans at the recent Listen Out festival have noticed that DJ Paul Fisher aka Fisher, bears a striking resemblance to a guy who used to surf…notably on a dick. Besides the lack of hair, Fisher is a dead ringer for the guy who used to rip the bag out of it and had one of the greatest surf blogs going around.

The Greenroom Times can exclusively reveal today that a petition has been circulated amongst a number of CT surfers, and handed to the WSL via surfers representative Ace Buchan, that demands Rosy Hodge stop wearing high heels in post heat interviews.

The petition, which was leaked to our French magazine “Le Journal De La Greenroom”, shows, amongst others, the signatures of Keanu Asing, Glenn Hall, Kanoa Igarashi and the initiator of the petition, Tomas Hermes.