Stab Magazine | Is Gabriel Medina’s Success Due To God Or Climate Change?
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Is Gabriel Medina’s Success Due To God Or Climate Change?

The closing edition of your 2018 SPF Rankings. 

news // Dec 23, 2018
Words by stab
Reading Time: 5 minutes

The past four years – 2015, 2016, 2017 and 2018 – have been the four warmest years since 1850. Ice is melting in Antartica, yet gaining popularity yet again throughout alleyways and parties all over Australia, which illustrates the magnitude of just What Is Happening.

Some people believe in climate change and others believe in God, yet Gabriel Medina has proven for the first time in history that both exist.

Gabriel became the 2018 World Champion of surfing when he beat Jordy Smith in the Semifinals of the Billabong Pipeline Masters but really when he beat Conner Coffin in the Quarterfinals of the Billabong Pipeline Masters because, let’s be honest, there was no fucking way he was losing after that.

But should his success be attributed to God or to climate change?

Devil

An actual, totally un-doctored, conversation between Sophie G and Satan.

It could be God, because Gabriel has a religious neck tattoo. In the Bible section titled Barnabas’ Guide To Body Art, it states that if a tattoo is good enough for Fred Durst then it’s good enough for Jesus.

Or it could be Climate Change as the Brazilian Storm reached unprecedented strength in 2018 resulting in a catastrophe for racists all over the world.

The reality? It’s both. His surfing is so good that it brings science and religion together at last. Priests and scientists can have sex now. Doggystyle too.

And now, here is the last edition of the 2018 SPF Rankings.

ISA

#69 The ISA

They been out inviting a bunch of Azerbaijanis to their contests, trying to declare World Champions—for masters, juniors, seniors, longboarders, boogieboarders, pedophiles, etc.

And with 2020 on the horizon, good surfers have actually started competing in ISA under the assumption that it might help them backdoor their way into the Olympics. 

Well guess what, ISA?

There are only two fucking World Champions a year and their names are Gabriel Medina and Stephanie Gilmore.

#34 Kelly And John John 

The only time they looked hard to beat this year was in the Wildcard Race.

#23 Cam Richards 

Because that wave at Pipe.

Plus, people forget that he technically started the @sealtooth Instagram.

#18 Ryan Callinan 

He wasn’t really on tour this year but, real, talk was Keanu Asing?

Next year, Ryan is on full-time and it’s up to him to decide if he’ll become this generation’s Shaun Cansdell or the Australian Italo Ferreira.

#16 Joan Duru and Yago Dora

Two goofyfooters who came through with big results at Pipe to re-qualify for Tour next year. I’d say that they did Occy proud, but Occy probably still believes that Mick Campbell is on Tour and would confuse both of these guys with Travis Logie.

#14 Griffin Colapinto And Italo Ferreira

Web clips will become obsolete by May unless somebody shuts down both of their Instagrams.

Jordy psycho image

#13 Jordy Smith

Crunch time for the big South African. If he doesn’t win a World Title within the next two years, he will physically morph into an O’Neill.

#11 Tanner Hendrickson

For a professional surfer on social media, it’s all about engaging your audience. After Tanner’s scuffle with Michael Rodriguez, hundreds of excited fans were hitting him up on Instagram and begging him to come to Brazil.

An inspiring response from the burgeoning surf community.

If I were Fox Racing Co, I would start failing in surfing again just to re-sign him.

#10 Kanoa Igarashi

One of the most meteoric rises in surfing. Finishing the past four years, he’s gone from 7th place to 5th place to 3rd place to 1st place. The only problem is that this was all on the QS, which means it’s less of a World Title and more of a trophy for being the Least Sad.

He did make the Top 10 on the CT this year though, which is neat. 

Deivid

#9 Joel Parkinson

With Parko retiring, and the fact that style is no longer in the criteria, the future of surfing actually looking good seemed bleak. But then, like a Phoenix rising out of the ashes of burnt QS dreams, rose Deivid Silva. Style is not dead kids.

#8 Wade Carmichael

He won Rookie Of The Year. It’s now on all of us to prove that surf marketing works by buying Piping Hot trunks here.

#7 Filipe Toledo

I still think he’ll win a World Title in the next few years — especially now that he charges. But if he doesn’t, at least he’s procreating enough to ensure that one of his children probably will.

(P.S. Is whistling genetic?)

Equal

#6 Stephanie Gilmore

She is now equal by nature to Layne Beachley with 7 World Titles. I hope the WSL and Roxy don’t use #Gilmost when she wins again next year.

#5 Zeke Lau 

The WSL having to create a rule based off you intimidating a fellow competitor = immediate Top 5 status in the year-end SPF Rankings.

#4 Julian Wilson 

At least he can sleep well at night knowing that he probably would have won the World Title if he didn’t lose to Mikey Wright in Round 3 at Keramas by less than half a point.

#2 Gabriel Medina

Almost felt bad not putting him in first but figured it’s OK because he has plenty more World Titles to win.

Mick Fanning

#1 Mick Fanning

There is nothing more speedy, powerful or fluid than winning three world titles and punching a Great White shark in the face. He shall retire just as he competed — as a true champion.

Screen Shot 2018 03 19 at 19.34.36 PM

Grinder Of The Year in loving memory of Bede Durbidge

Namaste

Meditation Of The Year

Namaste.

Surfing2

Conspiracy Theory Of The Year

Jeep intentionally triggered all of us with that commercial.   

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