How To Steal A Surfboard

I’ll never forget the screech. 

When I was 20 or so, I was pushing my girlfriend at the time into a few waves on a soft top in my hometown. I’d brought my own board down and left it on the beach so that I could get a few waves after. It was, to this day, the best shortboard I’ve ever owned. I’d painted it hideously (that helps ensure a board will go good). Every now and then, I’d glance at it to the beach and briefly admire its yellow and blue aesthetic violence, making sure it was still there. 

Until one time I looked, and it was gone. 

I tried to explain to my lady that I had to go check on it. I don’t think I formed words, let alone coherent thoughts. I quickly got to the beach and began asking people near where I left the board. Did you see it? Did you? Then, I spotted the appalling paint job on a crowded boardwalk a few hundred feet away. The thieves were trying to make a getaway. 

I sprinted, seeing red. They’d crossed the street by the time I got there, which explains the screech of a car as it slammed its breaks so as to not mow me down—the red I was seeing existed as a tunnel, and looking both ways didn’t even register. 

I berated them; a small crowd gathered. The cops arrived quickly. I told them I didn’t want to press charges. 

This is not how you steal a surfboard. 

There is a technique to it, an art. I’d like to share my knowledge here. 

First, you have to start with an appropriate target. A teenager with one board? No. You are unwise and likely a sociopath. Seek therapy. 

What you want to do is steal a surfboard from a friend who has too many. 

Now, a friend has too many surfboards if the absence of one doesn’t particularly hinder their enjoyment of surfing. You can’t steal an integral part of someone’s quiver. You have to go for some sort of a double-up or a forgotten arrow.

Many people, you’ll find, have too many surfboards. 

Next, you never say “steal” or “take.” You “borrow it for a few sessions.” Or, if you want to get more clever and don’t live nearby, you store it for them. “Next time you come here, you won’t have to bring a board.” 

And they won’t. 

But that doesn’t mean they’ll be riding that specific board when they come. Because, in the eyes of the law, a surfboard becomes yours if you go one calendar year without the original owner asking about it. 

However, the most crucial concept is the ratio.

What’s the ratio, you ask? 

Boards in:Boards out. For every surfboard you steal, a surfboard should be stolen from you. This must not be overlooked. It creates karmic balance in the universe. And at a certain point, it’s not even about theft, per se—but about contributing to a system of revolving surfboards that keeps the sensations under all of our feet fascinating.

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Comment of the week: 

A regurgitated quote from the E.A.S.T.? Sure. But if there was one quote you were gonna pull…. I hope this lives in infamy alongside Jordy Smith’s, “Well, that was a waste of a deck grip.” 

One last thing: 

Never don’t have a surfboard.