Foils And SUPS Beware, Seabreachers™ Rule The Lineup Now

Lineups the world over have come under seige of late, with SUPers taking the first swings at surfers’ perceived superiority followed shortly by those #loyaltothefoil.

Painful as it is, I must admit that with the advent of the SUP foil, surfers have officially forfeited their spot atop the waveriding hierarchy. These unnecessarily floatatious and treacherous crafts have come, they have seen, and they have conquered.

The one silver lining is that no human, despite how ludicrous his toy, could ever replace the true champions of the lineup. Those mammals amongst us who paddle five times as fast, take eight times as many waves, and perform above-and-below-the-lip maneuvers with more speed, power, and flow than any sapien could–homo or otherwise.

Of course I’m talking about dolphins! You know, the swimmy grey fuckers with a butthole on their forehead who make the ee-ee-ee-ee sound?

“Dolphins are always the best surfers in the water,” Gerry Lopez once said. Or maybe it was Laird. Joe Turpel? Whatever.

The point is that dolphins are, undeniably, the sharks of the ocean. They run shit.

And now, for a mere 80-to-100 thousand dollars, you can run shit too.  

Introducing the Seabreacher.

Can you imagine paddling into a wave, looking down the line with fervid anticipation, only to have one of these fuckers Free Willie from below and commandeer your section? It would be humiliating and amazing all at once. 

The best thing about the Seabreacher? Once you’re inside, there’s nothing anybody can say or do to stop you from catching every damn wave.

You’re in a personal fucking submarine! They’ll do 65 clips above water, 30 below, and best of all it’s completely punch-proof. Probably even rock-proof, if you plan on bringing it to Lunada.

Looking to the future, though, should these become the go-to for water rescue?

Gone will be the days of flipped skis, missed connections, fleeing to the channel during rogue sets…

When an oncoming wave threatens the Seabreacher, it can simply bail beneath surface, ride out the turbulence, and pop up unscathed. Sure, you’d kill the only exciting aspect of most big wave events, but still… Safety, functionality, etc.

Frankly, I think I might quit my job as a surf propagandist so that I can eventually afford one of these peerless ocean vessels. It’ll be a rough few years out of the water, but once I attain the necessary funds, I’ll be able to catch literally any wave I want, anywhere in the world, unchallenged.

An undeniably worthy payoff.

If you’re already rich, get one here, asshole.