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Shit, Did We Just Miss The US Open?

We really beefed it this time.

news // Aug 8, 2017
Words by stab
Reading Time: 2 minutes

Fuck! Shit! 

There’s no way. There’s no way we actually missed the US Open, right? The biggest, bestest surfing event in the world? How could that be possible? It’s right in Huntington Beach for goodness’ sake!

Ok, yup, there’s the problem. We had the USO slated for this week, not last. Classic clerical error. Blame it on the intern and reset. 

Now, real quick (I’ve got a casserole in the oven), let’s see what we missed. 

W-S-L-dot-com… mmmmmm nope that’s a boutique shipping service.

Let’s try…

Dammit! Not it either, but there may be an investment opportunity with that vacant domain.

Alright, focus. WWSD? (What would Speaker do?) Yes, of course! Indeed, that is it and here we are.

Screen Shot 2017 08 07 at 4.05.04 PM

Here we see Stab (red) and the esteemed US Open of Surfing (blue) in a moment of erotic divergence. Photo: WSL/Morris

Ok… Events (click)… US Open of Surfing – Mens QS (click)… Heat Analyzer (click) Round one, heat one (click). Let’s recap this bitch! 

In heat one, Vasco Ribeiro opened with a substantial backside combination, nailing two swipes out the back before–  

Yeah, no, that’s not gonna work. Let’s just check the results…

Kanoa Igarashi won! How fun for the local grommie to take his hometown event. I only wonder what happened to the event favorite, Filipe Toledo. Maybe he skipped this event to practice for Teahu…

WHAT? He got a non-priority interference against Kanoa? The same Kanoa who gave him a non-priority interference in Brazil, leading to Filipe’s “aggressive behavior”, leading to Filipe’s expulsion from the Cloudbreak event? 

Oh, that’s rich, Porta.

But before we jump to conclusions, maybe it’s best to check the clip, just to make sure Filipe wasn’t in the wrong…

Skip to 1:08 for the best angle. Video: WSL

Ohhhhh fuck that. Richie Porta must believe he’s some sort of surf-god, swinging his little rulebook around like Thor’s Hammer. “The surfer in the middle of the peak has the right of way,” my ass. Anyone with a quarter-decent cutback knows that peaks are meant to be backdoored.  

Speaking of, let’s see what the girls were up to.  

Sage! Lovely Sage, whose backside snap makes us weep tears of envy, took the title. Her first on the Championship Tour, I believe. And now she sits at… sixth on the rankings! Well within range of a world title. Odd, but beautiful.

Anything else?

Skimming… doesn’t appear there were any riots… hoping… JADSON DID THE TUBE! hopping… hopping… did Lakey just hit the pier?… skimming… perusing… nope, nothing really.

Well, there you have it. Your 2017 US Open was one for the history books, in the sense that no one will ever read about it, because it was boring. Tune in next year when maybe, just maybe, we’ll cover this thing properly.


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