Death Threats Be Damned, The Mongrel’s Headed To Brazil!

Undeterred by threats that local surf-fan base would Teach [Wright] “to shit up, or Show [him] how to fuck chicken,” Culburra’s own Michael “The Menace” Wright has accepted a wildcard into the Oi Rio Pro, Saquarema.

Wright’s position in the contest was made possible due to Joel Parkinson pulling out for “personal reasons.”

These reasons may include that he personally doesn’t want to go because, as a person who has competed at the some of the world’s best locations, he doesn’t see the waves in Saquarema to be up to scratch. We are, however, just speculating. 

Wright was offered entry due to being in second place on the WQS.

He was also recently named as Tyler Wright’s surf hero, in a move that reeks of nepotism from the 2017 women’s World Champion. She also doesn’t like pine nuts, singling out the magnesium-rich pesto-fodder for scorn on a recent WSL social media video.

The ill-thought-out, grammatically befuddling threats against Mikey came in response to a viral video posted by Jake “The Snake” Patterson, of Brazilian surfer Jesse Mendes having some choice words with Wright, after dropping in on the Aussie wildcard.

Most straight-thinking surfers thought it strange that Wright was receiving threats, considering that a) he was the one dropped in on, and 2) Mendes was the main aggressor, and c) neither surfer threw a punch.

Nevertheless, the mostly Brazilian grown men who made the threats went to lengths to suggest that if Mikey was coming to Brazil, they would somehow settle what was never a score in the first place.

The contest, while all but guaranteed of being free from shark activity, is hosted in a country that boasts 17 of the world’s 50 most dangerous cities, and suffers from pollution problems as well as the threat of zika. And while far removed from the problems surfers encountered in Rio de Janeiro, the contest’s location prior to 2017 which featured literal faeces in the lineup, many surfers unofficially consider the stop to be the worst on the World Tour—so bad, it inspired Kelly Slater’s ongoing foot injury to flare up again, just days after he aggravated it to second place in the Founders’ Cup. 

Stab, however, honestly enjoys the contest in Brazil and looks forward to seeing the world’s best challenged by conditions that most of us surf on a daily basis–monthly if we’re lucky living in Los Angeles, and yearly for your correspondent’s hometown of Barcelona.

While the fanbase can be intense, their residents’ fervent passion makes the stop unique, and we look forward to seeing Mikey perform under pressure, safe in the knowledge that the keyboard warriors who issued threats to him are ensconced in their bedrooms salivating over every heat featuring a Brazilian surfer (10 of 12 first round).

Interestingly, Mikey Wright is coming up against John Florence and Joan Duru in heat four, saving him from the pressure of having to beat a Brazilian surfer in front of their home crowd, but not exactly an easy draw.

Mikey and his team have been contacted for comment, but are probably too busy tearing the beachies to bits, eating delicious fruit, not giving a fuck about online comments.