Boogie Boards Finally banned in New York City!

Finally! Boogie boards have been banned from all New York City beaches! It’s a celebration! Let us sacrifice a Great White Shark to the Celtic deity Arausio!

And, what lay the foundation for this new world utopia that we call the great City of New York? Two kids being swept out to sea on bodyboards during the Bertha swell. And so, in a move of immeasurable and unparalleled genius, the NYC Parks Department flexed an already-existing rule against the use of flotation devices to also include bodyboards.

Correctly, the Parks Department thinks boogie boards are the refuge of those who aren’t confident in the ocean. We simply cannot allow a craft that enables bathers to endanger themselves!

A stretch of Rockaway was only legalised for surfing in 2005, with the greater area opening up in 2007. Banning bodyboards is just another progressive step forward. To continue the noble cause of curating surf heaven, we must not give up hope that Great White Sharks will be next to incur a ban in NYC, followed closely by beach carpark thieves, and men who ask if you’re going when you’re midway through paddling so hard you’re grunting.

This may be the first time in history that a coastal international city has banned boogie boards. But please, let it not be the last. Now let’s just hope puppies on SUPs drift out to sea.