Alana Blanchard was a victim of The Fappening

Story by Elliot Struck

You’ve heard of The Fappening, because anyone who pays a $60 p/month connection fee for unlimited air reverse clips and Drake memes has heard of the Fappening (and that’s everyone here). And perhaps you know this, or perhaps you don’t, but Alana Blanchard was on the list.

Gymnast McKayla Maroney, Olympic beach volleyball gold medalist Misty May-Treanor, and Olympic soccer gold medalist Hope Solo are among the other few sportswomen who had their cell phones hacked. Alana’s charm has transcended industries and she’s proper famous outside surfing, at least enough that she was deemed a worthy target – maybe the first time her mainstream celeb has been truly damaging.

Far be it from me to be a pious motherfucker. I’m an online editor. I’m a click bait junky and ordinarily mainline that shit, no secret. If a video of a dolphin nuzzling Kelly’s balls while a shark chews the nose of his board lands in my inbox, then Stabmag.com crashes and my job’s done for the day. But. There’s something wildly desperate about dedicating what I’m assuming is a shit-tonne of time to cracking open someone’s iCloud safe and running your greasy digital fingers through the .jpgs within.

For starters, who’s got that kinda time?

And for seconds, and more importantly, despite all those primal male curiosities that we spend our whole lives trying to pretend don’t exist… this is just a straight up sex crime. It’s the digital equivalent of hanging in the bushes outside the bathroom window of your slightly mature but still totally hot neighbour and waiting for the towel to drop. For real. Except in this case, it’s Alana Blanchard’s bathroom window.

I’d like to think you didn’t come expecting photos or even links, cause that shit won’t live here. Minimal journalistic integrity notwithstanding, and don’t even start on lawsuits, but Stab still has a soul, no matter how muddy it may be, and there really is still a line.

Maybe you’re gonna say that we’re throwing gas at the flames by even posting this. But when Jennifer Lawrence and Kate Upton and Rihanna fell victim to The Fappening, it was pinned to the top of every major news site in the world. Alana is one of surfing’s biggest names, and this is news. Not all headlines in surfing can be about John John’s 50-point heat total.

Anyway, hopefully the hacker stays hidden behind the wall of 4chan because he’s undoubtedly on the most wanted list of some of Kauai’s heaviest.

Do Alana (and yourself) a favour and don’t go looking for these. You’re expecting something enjoyable waiting at the end of that Google search, but all you’ll really find are dirty feels.

Gold Coast fabulous. Photo: Ryan Miller/ redbull.com/surfing