A Weird And Wonderful Glimpse Into The Mind Of The Stab Reader

Recently, in the eternal quest to better our game here at Stab, we asked our readers to answer a bunch of questions to provide an insight into our beloved audience, the things they’re digging and things they not. Yeah, sixty questions was arduous for some, but the chance of winning a Haydenshapes White Noiz still seemed like a good deal to us. After digging through the (literally thousands of) entries, a winner has finally been picked. As you can imagine, there were some highly entertaining (and frightening) answers to the final question. As a reward for participating, in addition to the winning entry, a number of Stab’s favourite responses are presented below for your enjoyment:

Name the two surfers who would, if they were to reproduce, create the ultimate surfing spawn. Who would this prodigy ride for? What would their specialty be? Why? 100 or less insightful words and you’re in the running, as judged by your pals at Stab!

Alright, let’s just start with the shallowest feature a of a spawn: beauty. For that I choose Alana Blanchard because,… Have you seen her? IF Dane wasn’t part of a happy family, ideally he would be the father. I choose Dane just because he rips, he’s a good dad, and the spawn would probably produce some of the best video parts of the 2030’s. Cheers!

Your Mom and Me would create a little asshole named Todd. Specialty, ruining your life and drinking all your beer. Doesn’t believe in corporate sponsorship only rides for Rusty.

Kelly and John John. Think Arnold in Junior.. “it’s not a tumor.” Special move? A 520.. claims it hard. get’s fired up when people tell him it was a 540. The internet explodes. Trolls cease to exist. 

Maya Gabiera and Albee Layer would theoretically spawn a big wave charging offspring with no sense of fear, pain or remorse.  It becomes self-aware at 2:14 a.m. Eastern time, August 29th. In a panic, we try to pull the plug, but unfortunately it is too late, the creature destroys all waves on Earth.

JJF & Sage Erickson.  JJ already has the King’s bloodline since Kelly is his dad, he would ride for Outerknown and his specialty would be wrecking fools in the Stab comments of his dank edits.

In case you were unaware, creativity is a finite resource in one’s mind. The thought that I would waste what precious little creative resources I have on such a preposterous line of questioning is the most asinine request I’ve ever read. Don’t get me wrong…throw in the chance to win a fucking surfboard and one must really weigh the pros/cons. Deplete my creative essence by a few milligrams, (creativity is weighed substance, right?) or store it? Honestly, I think I need all I have and a board just isn’t worth it. Plus, the answer is simple, Laird and Medina. Duh.

John John & CoCo Ho… Having a dual first name is the stamp of true surf greatness, humility, and naturalness at the same time; and also seems to guarantee having similarly talented siblings. They are made for each other… Would save on fuel and phone bills cause they can just yell out the window: Yo! running late for din-din, hang loose. Or, fuck, forget that family event, Pipe’s firing, we’re out there. Cause Pops, Mom-John and uncle Derek will be out there too, as will Mason, Nathan, and crew… Their kids will be surfing during gestation, because CoCo will surf through the first 5 months. They will be born wearing trunks or bikinis, or maybe just full on ESPN’d bare-ass naked. Just because. Just because. They’d live life never having to worry about getting a wave. Guaranteed. In fact, these kids will make Kelly nervous, because one of them will pile up 12 World Titles before reaching his teens. The boy would ride for Firewire (shaped by Hayden 🙂 because they are the only boards strong enough to hold together when he’s stomping 15′ airs, on double-overhead Back Door… Sponsored by Apple, who finally came on board with an Apple Watch that measures air height and distance, as well as updated tide and wind info, and Doc Prolog bluetooth earplugs so you can surf to BRMC… A golden life all around, I reckon?

I reckon me and alana Blanchard should knock boots and pump out a coupla billy lids, but hey, you can’t have everything in life! Nah, for realsies Ryan burch and Tyler Wright would craft the ultimate surfing porn. I mean spawn…Boom, the perfect l mix of style, flow and straight up sexiness on a surfmobile provided by Mr. Burch’s flawless acid-base combinations mixed with Tyler’s (metaphorical) balls-to-the-fucken-wall, protein-drinking, throaty-death-keg-threading and ambrosial grace upon a magic carpet would surely create a surfing prodigy to rival even the King, or me. This prodigy would ride for no one. They would simply walk the earth, meet people, get in adventures and get stupid barrelled. You might see him/her. You might not. They might be at you local beachie, soul arching through another Saturday morning, or smacking down schooies like a fucken champion at your favourite rsl. One thing’s for certain, their dusty boots are their Cadillac, and they would love nothing more than to ride into your town (just dripping swag-goo) to listen to some good old rock and fucken roll, sink some tinnies (and maybe a coupla hot ones) and rip your local to pieces! Lock up ya wives! 

James B and iHusky. Just because.

(And finally, our winner:)

In a completely unexpected turn of events, Steph Gilmore announces her pregnancy after surfing Kelly Slater’s wave pool. It turns out that the entire pool is polluted with his ‘genetic profile’, and that he put a lot more than just his heart and soul into the project. The resulting child is blessed with a disarming smile, killer surf skills, a receding hairline and a natural affinity for wave pools. They go on to be one of the greatest surfers ever know, winning gold medals for surfing at 6 consecutive Olympic Games as well as countless tour victories.