This Is “Not” A U.S. Open Kickoff Party Gallery

They say the U.S. Open will never surpass the teen-spirit-soaked depravity of the mid-2000s. 

And they are probably right. 

The elixir of body paint, pheromones, and trucker hats will never be quite as potent. But when in HB, there will always be a callback to that bygone era — before pronouns were polite and docile males were deemed performative. 

This past Saturday, the party we threw at The Bungalow with Quiksilver was no exception. Here are a few themes that will outlast generations of spiritual cleansing: 

Orange County’s most genetically blessed strut through the doors around 9 pm, with the single goal of capturing the most elusive species of them all: a professional surfer. They draw their arrows and shoot. Unfortunately, the sedative usually wears off after one night, or before, if another capture interferes. 

Two huntresses from Toronto, Canada, were aiming for “frosty” tips, and the 10-year age gap between them and Rex Hennings proved little deterrent. Second on the menu was Surf100‘s very own heartbreak, Jackson Bunch.

Late-night tracks, usually reserved for a sloppy last kiss or a provocative rattle of the hips, are played at 5:30 PM PST. As we were “setting up” for the party, a DJ played Sheck Wes’s universal mating call “Mo Bamba.” The message was received favorably, and I knew 2:00 AM on the Pacifico-soaked dance floor would be a nefarious affair.

Perhaps the best part of the U.S. Open: everyone is swinging above their weight class. Romantically, but also physically. One alternative surfboard rider (who I won’t name for legal reasons) picked a scrap with a guy who presumably spends his time pumping iron and experimenting with peptides. Our friend may have to start surfing Lowers instead of SanO to prepare for next year. 

On the other hand, if you’re lucky (and armed with Pacificos), you might end up in a dark corner with fabled pro surfers, like Noa Deane and Balaram Stack, who are uncharacteristically willing to share morsels from their latest ventures.

Re-live what is clearly not a U.S. Open Kickoff party below: