Stab Magazine | Why Can't My Board Do This?

Now Unlocked: Chippa Wilson Stars In "Zipper"

529 Views

Why Can’t My Board Do This?

This business of surfboard peddling is built on a bed of lies!

cinema // Nov 23, 2017
Words by stab
Reading Time: < 1 minute

I’ve never ridden a Xanadu. They look like nice boards, and I’ve got a couple buddies who swear by them, but I can’t claim to have any personal experience on the things. So what am I left with to form an opinion that might direct a purchase? Photos, videos, professional testimonials. Marketing

The above video, which was designed by Xanadu to help sell their crafts, features a very handy Tanner Hendrickson calling Xanadus “the best boards in the world”. Tanner then goes on to surf the boards exceptionally well, showcasing a variety of maneuvers ranging from full-rail cutbacks, nose-slide reverses and a gaggle of backside full-rotes. Anything a man could want a board to do, really. 

But this whole concept of “a board works for a pro so it must work for me” is a little silly, no? There’s no way most of will ever put a surfboard, regardless of its make or model, in any of the positions seen in this video. It’s cool that the boards can do that, but what does it really mean to a consumer? If you’re a sucker, and we’re all suckers in one way or another, then maybe a lot, but objectively it shouldn’t mean shit. 

A Xanadu will work as well as a Merrick will work as well as a Haydenshapes etc.

For continual improvement, the best thing we can do is build a relationship with a shaper and continually fine-tune our crafts to suit our specific blend of mediocrity. For continual fun, the best thing we can do is try a myriad of different brands and designs, each offering a new angle to display our incompetency.

The world is a blank canvas, feel free to ruin it in any manner that you please!

Comments

Comments are a Stab Premium feature. Gotta join to talk shop.

Already a member? Sign In

Want to join? Sign Up

Advertisement

Most Recent

Erin Brooks And Mikey McDonagh Summit Freshly Spawned Mountain Of Challenger Series Rankings

Perfect 10s, phallic polyurethane, and numerous benthic vortexes marked the Bonsoy Gold Coast Pro.

May 4, 2024

Paul Fisher Resurrects Iconic Dick Board, Inadvertently Saves The WSL

Surfing's gone soft? Take this blue pill.

May 3, 2024

2 Australian Surfers, 1 American Still Missing In Baja California, Mexico

Three suspects have been arrested, a truck was found burned, but the friends remain "missing".

May 2, 2024

Zipper Offcut: A Pacific Island Micro-Wedge

Chippa, Harry, Dion, a hazardous ramp, and a near fiberglass-vasectomy.

May 2, 2024

UNLOCKED: Chippa Wilson Stars In ‘Zipper’ — A Surf Film By Stab & Monster

Featuring Filipe Toledo, Harry Bryant, Bobby Martinez, Eithan Osborne, Taro Watanabe, and Dion Agius.

May 2, 2024

Is Nat Young’s 4.03 A Symbol Of Surf Judging Demise, Or A Harmless Scoring Aberration?

World champs, super coaches, WSL commentators and more sound off on the state of surf…

May 1, 2024

How Stretch And Nathan Fletcher SpaceX’d Surfboard Design Into The Future

“I brought the boards to Hawaii and everybody laughed at me. Everyone except Michael Ho…

Apr 30, 2024

Doug Silva Is The Skullet-Locked 12x World Party Champ Working Wonders For Seth Moniz’s Tour Trajectory

Here's how he uses EDM + storytelling to snap talent into 'infected alligators'.

Apr 30, 2024

Marti Paradisis On The New Shipsterns Safety Initiative + The Laziness Of Bandwagoning Swell Carnivals

Before calling Shipsterns Bluff and getting flexed, read this. 

Apr 28, 2024

Full Frame: A 15-Minute, One-Wave Pipe Session

"Oh shit, that was kind of nuts, I think I think I'm just gonna go…

Apr 27, 2024

Want Half-A-Brain? Keep Calling Helmets Lame

Kai Lenny surfs hideous Jaws + Mavs + Waimea, joins esteemed list of surfers to…

Apr 27, 2024

80 Men And 48 Women Enter The CS Gauntlet — Only 15 Will Survive

Your 2024 Challenger Series x Gold Coast Pro preview.

Apr 26, 2024

The Best Surfing I’ve Ever Seen: Nate Lawrence

Kolohe, Cola Bros, Luke Davis, Crane, and "the most magical 3 weeks ever had in…

Apr 25, 2024

Snapper To Return To The CT In 2025(!) + WSL Announces Season Wildcards

Next year is looking up. Here's what we know...

Apr 25, 2024

Kelly Slater Will Surf In Tahiti And Fiji CT Events — And He’s Bringing A Secret Weapon With Him

What's it like to coach an 11x champ? We asked Glenn "Micro" Hall.

Apr 24, 2024

Watch: A Masterclass In Belated Drops At The Teepee Capital Of The World

And the rest of the O’Neill team sticks the landing in Hawaii.

Apr 24, 2024

How Sophie McCulloch Broke Her Back At The Box Three Days After Being Cut From The CT

The untold brutal side story of finals day in WA.

Apr 24, 2024

The Cut Wasn’t The Surf Fans’ Idea — But It Might Be Our Fault

Psychoanalyzing surfing’s highly sadistic audience (us!).

Apr 23, 2024
Advertisement