The New Normal: Creed McTaggart On Stealing Toilet Paper And Rationing Your Noodles

It could be argued that Australians are better off than the average continent-country in the case of a novel pandemic. 

We live on a giant island, first of all, which means that a virus would first have to bypass an expansive ocean and then a questionable immigration process to even enter the nation.

Then it’d have to deal with a population whose internal organs are relatively immune to harmful agents thanks to years spent surviving on overpriced alcohol and the sodium powered flavour sensation know as Vegemite. 

Last but not least, it’d be forced to confront Creed McTaggart and his wildly spinning nunchucks. See below for details. 

Stab: So what have you been doing with your life?
Creed McTaggart: I was just watching this movie called “Prayer Before The Dawn”. Pretty skitzy movie based on a true story about this guy that got arrested for dealing crack in Thailand and then he becomes a boxer in prison. I’ve been having a good time to be honest, it’s kinda mental just chilling at home and not really having much to do. It’s like the world’s been put on pause for a bit and suddenly there’s no shame in staying in bed all day.

So at what point did you stop and realise this Coronavirus thing was serious?
We were on the RAGE tour and we had to call it off when the government changed the rules about events. We called it off and started driving home listening to heaps of podcasts about it and freaking ourselves out. By the time we got home we were all pretty paranoid about it all. I’ve taken it pretty seriously, I’ve just been staying indoors and chilling.

You actually seem really mellow about it, there’s a lot of people stressing hard right now. 
Yeah. Everyone’s losing it. I went into Lismore the other day and there was this guy in there shopping, I don’t even know what he wanted, but they didn’t have it, and he lost it and punched the person working at Woolworth’s and pushed his trolley into a bunch of old people.

Woah. I haven’t heard anyone losing it that hard yet.
Yeah. I looted for the first time the other day. 

What do you mean?
I went into a pub and I stole some toilet paper but then I left it somewhere. I lost it. 

So you did the crime, but then didn’t even get to keep the goods?
Well… I left it at someone’s house, so someone will use it.

Oh, okay so you’re like the Robin Hood of toiletries. Who’s your number one quarantine buddy?
Well, I guess it’s Mikey Maliue (surf filmmaker) because I’m living with him at the moment and he’s peaceful. He’s in full quazza right now because he just came back from Bali and he’s isolating in his room, I’ve been cooking him dinner every night. It’s been a week now so we’re not as worried anymore… I haven’t touched him or anything yet. We had a beer the other day but we sat pretty far apart from each other. 

What sort of numbers have you been clocking on your phone’s screen time?
I don’t know. How do you find it? On your Instagram? (some back and forth instructions). My daily average is two hours. I haven’t really been hammering it. I’ve been watching heaps of movies. I’ve watched all the Bruce Lee movies now. And I’ve watched some of them a few times each. I just ordered a pair of nunchucks. 

Those things are crazy, careful not to take your own eye out. 
I ordered the learner ones with foam pads. I’m going to get real ones soon, these wooden ones that have a dragon engraved on them. I’ve just been getting so pumped on Bruce Lee and his nunchucks. It looks so fun if you can do it.

How’s the fear been treating you? 
It comes in waves. I’ll feel good for a little bit and then I’ll start thinking about something until I go crazy. You can’t let yourself get too deep in it, you got to kind of distract yourself a little bit in these times. I’ve been watching movies, drawing a little bit, playing guitar and I’ve been cooking some spaghettis and some Mexican.

What other foods are on your apocalypse list?
I’ve been making toasties with Vegemite, cheese, sauerkraut and just frying them up in a pan. And heaps of chicken flavoured Cup Noodles, I love them so much. I’ve been going through them too fast so I had to start rationing them. 

Has it stopped you from surfing at all?
I was surfing every day but I’ve had a bit of car trouble, my car won’t go in reverse for some reason. So I can’t park on a hill at the moment.

A subtle reminder of Creed’s penchant for waveriding.

Is there anywhere else you’d rather be posted up now for this lock-in period?
Nah, this is definitely my zone. I got my cat and I don’t have any neighbors so it’s pretty good. I’ve got a little lake down the end of the farm, so I can go and jump in there if I get really hedgie.  

Who’s the last person you’d want to be quarantined with?
Um… (long pause) everyone? I like being by myself. I don’t know. Probably a cop.

Where’s the first place you’re going to once the world opens back up?
I’m not really that hedgie to be leaving to be honest, it’s been pretty good here, the waves have been fun around home. I’ll probably go straight to Indo when this is all done to try and work off all the noodles.

What’s your advice for people at this time? 
I think it’s about distracting yourself as much as possible, watch heaps of movies. Meditate… a bit of qigong. Eat your veggies and ration the noodles.