Romance and Surfing: A non-exclusive relationship!

Words by Ali Klinkenberg | Photos by Tyler Haft Anything is possible with ample thought and planning and one of the great conundrums in the life of any surfer is the relationship. The modern man doesn’t miss out on a thing, a fruitful relationship included. You don’t want to be the guy who spends his free (non-surf) time playing Xbox with his degenerate pal. On the other hand, you don’t want to be constantly nestled between a warm bosom and forehead strokes with no time for surf. The equilibrium, as usual, is the happiest place. As my father always said, “Up here for thinking, down there for dancing.” Pretend that you don’t surf.Telling someone that you ‘surf’ is the second most awkward thing imaginable, coming in closely behind your gal telling people that you surf. “Oh, aren’t you worried about sharks/I tried surfing once and I wasn’t very good at it/The water’s so cold in winter, do you wear a wetsuit?” These conversations are dull and cringe as hell. No-one needs that. Mum’s the word. The best things happen in the dark.Surf early. Talking about something in advance draws attention to it, and therein lies a potential pitfall. “I might go surfing in the morning,” is always followed by, “How long are you going to be?” No man’s aquatic recreation should be on a time limit. So, you don’t talk, or at most, mention it very briefly in passing and you get up when it’s still dark and go surf. Return with coffee in each hand while she’s still twisted in the doona. Mitch Crews, down in Mexico, on a surf trip with his gal… Plan your surfs carefully.Conditions, mutual days off, and summer permitting, it’s perfectly acceptable to include your gal in a surf day. Just don’t call it that. “Beach day” works much better. These kinds of outings can be made all the more sweet by random acts of kindness enroute. A Vogue and Vanity Fair from the petrol station will go a long way. Why two? Because single gifts are suspicious. It’ll seem like you’re up to something. “Just picked you up a couple of mags,” means you can safely spear deuce crafts in the sand and treat surfs like elongated swims. Winter groundswells.Chasing groundswells in winter is no place for your girl. Full stop. Weekend away.If you’ve planned a weekend away, and the conditions look stellar either side of a 20-minute drive, forget it. It might as well be in Fiji. You’re not surfing perfection. Relax, and surf whatever’s out front. If you really need to resort to your old friend, Alcohol. That’s just fine. Nothing consoles a man minus a great session like the world’s most user-friendly drug. Take a sip, enjoy the rosé-tinted glasses. Or, plan your weekends away smarter. … world longboard champ Kelia Moniz, who you’ve also seen steering foam into big, clean Teahupoo. She badass. Surf lessons.If you’re teaching her surfing, cancel any hopes of surfing yourself. Pick somewhere suitable; sheltered, small, water like glass helps. It’s simple: if she surfs, you don’t. Don’t catch waves for yourself, catch waves for her, and make sure she does’t get impaled by some Old Salt in a surf hat if you do try and sneak a few. It’s very much stress. Hold tight. Never apologise.Or at least don’t mean it if you do. Surfing makes you more attractive and it’s part of the reason that she liked you in the first place. Don’t ever feel bad for doing the very thing which makes you great. Get a girl who surfs.Disclaimer: All of this leg work can be avoided if you find a girlfriend who surfs. Prepare yourself for funky tanlines, no down time and some niggles from pals but you’ve just revolutionised your weekend away. Loggers are best. They surf with enough dance to ooze beauty, and there’ll be no parallels drawn towards your own shortboard skills.