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READER POLL 2017
We promise this won’t (really) hurt.

Wanna win a new surfboard? We have a custom Chilli ‘Black Vulture’ to gift (plus all the trim you’d expect from a premium dealer). To be in the running, just answer a few questions for us. It won’t take long.

Close
Close READER POLL 2017
We promise this won't (really) hurt.

Wanna win a new surfboard? We have a custom Chilli ‘Black Vulture’ to gift (plus all the trim you’d expect from a premium dealer). To be in the running, just answer a few questions for us. It won’t take long.

What The WSL Doesn't Want You To Know About Kelly Slater's Wavepool Event

Forget Lowers, let’s talk the Kelly Slater Golden Ticket Water Gymnastics Event, Lemoore 2017. The specialty contest that’ll make us momentarily forget about world title contenders, the waist-high Filipe Toledo Hurley Pro, DACA, or the anti-fascist movement called the Coup Clutz Clowns (#whiteflour) everyone’s going on about.

There are a few things the WSL doesn’t want you to know. But, we do! Because, from the information we’ve received, confirmed off record via multiple sources, regardless of whatever side of surfing’s purity spectrum you fall, this will be the most entertaining event in surfing history.

Here’s what the WSL is hiding:

First, that the event is even taking place. It is. It has even been referred to, by a source inside the WSL, as “surfing’s worst kept secret.” The official “waiting period” is Sept 17-19 and promises three days of conditions so smooth they can only be guaranteed by a man calculated enough to hold 11 World Titles.



Next, in addition to the addition of Gerry’s Left, the KS Wave Co. has completely gutted and restructured the bottom of the original right hander. They’ve added shallow and deep spots to mimic the bathymetry of the ocean floor. And, in turn, have created sections. This goes for the left as well.

The wave’s way longer, a little larger, and demonstrably better. Here’s how it works: There’s a long wall at the takeoff with enough room to jam two-to-three turns, then the wave slows, sets up into the first barrel section (that on occasion will spit!), then returns to form for turns, potentially airs, and crescendos into a final draining tube and banger-begging end section. From what we’ve heard, it peels for so long that Tour-toned legs are wobbly by the time the wave ends. According to those who have surfed it, you need binoculars to see the wave's take-off zone from "shore".  

Also, they’ve fixed the one good wave every 10-15 minutes issue. If they didn’t, holding the event wouldn’t make any sense—a lully wavepool event is laughable.

Here Are Your Golden Ticket Holders:
John Florence
Filipe Toledo
Mick Fanning
Jordy Smith
Carissa Moore
Julian Wilson
Gabriel Medina
Steph Gilmore
Kanoa Igarashi
Joel Parko
Matt Wilko

The known invitees fill 11 of the 12 slots, leaving the potential for either the winner of the Hurley Pro, or... a wildcard. Will the WSL give the people who they really want? (Dane!) Will Kelly Slater surf with a gimp foot? Will Tom Curren take the comp on his modified skim? Let’s speculate!  

B Hams made a trip! Can you imagine pig-dogging with one arm! All Hail.

Stab's reached out to the WSL and has yet to receive a response. However, via iPhone notifications, we've been alerted that a crew of Circuit Tour professionals have flown up from a waveless Orange County to Lemoore for a pool day with Kelly Slater. Oh, to live the life of surfing's one percent! 

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