Official: Kelly Slater To Open World’s Greatest Retirement Home For Surfers

Like prophecy ringing loud and true, today Kelly Slater announced his magical wonderland would officially be duplicated, far from the dusty, dry inland scrub where the first incarnation resides: the Surf Ranch is heading to the swampy green pastures of Palm Beach, Florida.

Taking to Instagram, and flanked by suits of—considering it is Florida, and Palm Beach County nonetheless—questionable character, Mr. Slater had this to say: “Well…it’s official…we have a building permit in Palm Beach County for #SurfRanchFlorida. I’m beyond proud and stoked to see the first of our developments at @kswaveco going to my home state of #Florida. Thank you to Mayor Burdick and the city commissioners for your approval and support of the project. Also thank you to #JupiterFarms for your comments and support. Looking forward to being neighbors. I keep joking about it but it might be true that now I can move back home now and surf as much as I want! Cannot wait to see a bunch more stoked people riding waves. This is gonna be fun.”

As our beloved ol’ grizzly bear Rory Parker noted last week in his adolescent fantasy, the Palm Beach Surf Ranch will be a grey hair paradise, venerable viagra for those of the torn rotator cuff, cranky knees: 

“It’s fitting that Slater and co. are eyeing Palm Beach, Florida for the next big project,” Parker wrote. “America’s wang is the perfect place to be put out to pasture.  A relatively low cost of living, warm weather year-round. An ocean better suited to fishing than surfing. A man with a plan could buy a shanty with a dock and wait around to die. Grab a handful of ersatz waves at the local pool each day, just enough to maintain the stoke. Just enough to imagine he hasn’t quit trying.”

Here’s to never giving up, and to Kelly Slater for building himself a local lab, the shelf life of, at the very least his tuberiding game, extended indefinitely.