With A Win At J-Bay And Margarets Can Shark Actually Put Together A Title Campaign?

As you may have heard, the 2018 Margaret River Pro got called off, due to a totally normal event that happens all the time in nature yet somehow caught everybody off guard: Gabriel Medina got scared of losing in big and/or heavy rights.*

As a fan of speed, power, flow and Jack Robinson, it is with great remorse that I say there were only 24 total heats for us to analyze.

However, in the name of thorough professional sports journalism, we will analyze them anyway.

#69 Northern Australia Tourism Board

Pundits will scrutinize the fact that the WA tourism board essentially burned their budget supporting an event that basically advertised that tourists can come to Australia to get eaten by a shark.

But I like it. Adventure sells.

Therefore, Northern Australia is officially in last place, until we see a surfer of relative fame (Davey Cathels, Alejo Muniz, Michael Dunphy)  get attacked by a crocodile, and have an inexperienced team produce a bad inspirational documentary aimed at teenagers about their dance.

#26 Women’s Surfing

Remember when I said we only had 24 heats to analyze?

Guess what bozo, there were 16 women’s heats, too. You didn’t catch that initially, which means you are Sexist: I now sentence you to watch four minutes of 2005 World Champ Chelsea Georgeson** for sensitivity training.

#17 Kael Walsh

Meet the only little slugger in the history of surfing to bat 1000 in CT elimination heats.

The future is bright for this Kael — unless he decides to focus on his true passion of art.

#13 Joel Parkinson

Taj retired. Mick retired.

Parko is still here, just being the lord he is.

The WSL claims he has three 13th place results this year, but I can’t recall if Parko has actually surfed a CT heat in the past two or three years — maybe the WSL just punches a mid-high result into his imaginary scoreline a few months after an event has finished when nobody’s looking?

Prove me wrong, Dave Prodan.

#12 Jadson Andre

As a professional sports journalist, I trained for the upcoming CT event in Brazil by watching the QS 3000 Pro Santa Cruz, held in Portugal last week.

In doing so, I learned that Jadson Andre is now wearing a hat that reads “Jadson Andre.”

I believe that to be one of the most powerful maneuvers we’ve seen in a long time.

#8 Western Australia Tourism Board

See above.

#7 Mikey Wright

He lit the entire surfing world on fire by doing what he does best — sheer mongrelism — and garnered many death threats in the process.

This is what surfing needs.

(And you just know John John didn’t want to see him in Round 3.)

#5 Shark

If you look at the Wikipedia page for the J-Bay Open, it lists “Shark” as the champion in 2015.

With another statement victory at Margaret River, you begin to wonder if Shark can actually put together a World Title campaign.

With the unquestionable authority of Stab behind me, I was inspired to correct the Wikipedia page for the Margaret River Pro (including a photograph of Dog The Bounty Hunter and the fact that Drew Courtney died of leprosy).

#3 Bobby Martinez

With an event literally called the Founders’ Cup just around the corner, it appears as though we can officially start referring to Bobby Martinez as a prophet.

#2 Italo Ferreira

Italo has had a decent amount of success in WA in the past, so I’d like to think that Charlie Medina pulled a gun on him and told him to speak out in regards to the shark situation — then I realized that Charlie don’t surf (outer reefs), and probably doesn’t even have any guns (in his quiver). Which means it was probably just a knifey 5’11” Italo was staring down…

Anyway, if I’m Julian Wilson right now, I’m losing sleep at night after seeing Italo’s tattoo.

The fact that Julian didn’t get ink of someone named Shano glassing a guy named Nezza after winning the Gold Coast makes you question how badly he even wants the Title.

#1 Jeremy Flores

Jeremy had an absolutely dominant performance the Margaret River Pro.

While everyone else was trying to not get eaten by sharks and pretending to like Shiraz, the only Main Break he had to worry about was his chick’s water.

Based off some of the comments on this story, the judges were on his side for once.

Lest we forget that the guy is a 2x Pipe Master.

Now, the awards.

Grinder Of The Event, In Loving Memory Of Bede Durbidge

WSL CEO Sophie Mulanovich

Meditation Of The Week

Griffin Colapinto Hype Meter

In lieu of the Jordometer, the world’s first first monitoring system for perineal World Title contender Jordy Smith, allow us to introduce a new system to SPF (the Jordo-meter will return once he wins an event).

As you can see, we are currently in the medium-rare range thanks to a 25th at Margaret River.

*There was also a shark or something.

**Then Hedges.