Stab Magazine | Too Big For The Big Wave Tour, Zebra Wetsuits, And A Layne Beachley Comeback?
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Too Big For The Big Wave Tour, Zebra Wetsuits, And A Layne Beachley Comeback?

The Greenroom Times fortnight recap. 

style // Dec 10, 2018
Words by Stab
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Like the Rolling Stones once said, “You can’t always get want you want… but you can try and send the women out there first, and if they get smashed, then maybe run a men’s heat and see if they get flogged too, and then call the comp off for the day…” Or something like that.

This week surf fans felt depleted after hearing that one of surfing’s favourite sons, a World Champ and Pipe Master, Adriano De Souza, would not be competing in The Pipeline Masters due to knee injury. In similar news, some other guy, John Florence, also pulled out citing an ongoing knee injury. 

As we wait to see whose World Title hopes are turned to tears, and whose re-qualification dreams are squandered, have a look at what went on in this week’s Greenroom Times. 

Yes Dad I can see there is a set coming.

Reports are also flooding in that fellow competitors are similarly irritated by the incessantly whistling emitted from Ricardo Toledo’s mouth. 

 

Big Waves

In an unexpected twist, the WSL Big Wave Tour Jaws Challenge was put on hold due to big waves. In a statement, Big Wave Tour commissioner, Mike “Snips” Parsons said, “We asked Huey for big waves but we didn’t mean THAT big! It’s called the Big Wave Tour not the Giant Wave Tour.”

With the contest off, Albee Layer proceeded to show just how bad the conditions were by knifing into the biggest barrel of the winter so far, using just his arms.

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While the above is purely speculative, Steph’s record equalling 7th title did inspired Layne Beachley to change her Instagram bio to “8x World Champion Surfer” – presumably counting her recent victory at the masters as a genuine World Title.

We’ll have to hold out until April to see whether Layne wants to comeback onto the actual circuit to best Steph. 

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Out of the frying pan and into the fire. That’s how one South African surfer described his latest surf at a well known point break. Wearing a specialised shark deterring wetsuit, the surfer successfully survived, managing to the surf without being attacked by the apex aquatic predator. He did however encounter a pack of ravenous lions patrolling the point looking for what they thought was a lost zebra, stuck in the ocean.

Dale De Kock, the surfer who managed to escape the hungry pack, tells us of the ordeal in his South African accent, “Its just part of life in South Africa, you’re in their environment.”

Pro lion supporters have come out to defend the lions saying there’s more chance of being killed by a falling coconut than being killed by a lion in the surf.

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Thanks to a joint operation between The Greenroom Times and A Current Affair, it has been discovered that the toilet paper being used in beach public toilet blocks is actually non-stick baking paper.

One local resident described his joy in walking into the toilet to find it had run out of paper, this allowed him to instead use the cardboard box that the paper came in to wipe, which was significantly more comfortable than the actually tissue paper.

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“Sitting by himself in the lineup he just looks so lonely.” The surfer on the sand said. “Not having anyone to share the waves with, no one to talk to, no one to dodge mid bottom turn. It must really suck to be him. I bet what would really make his day, would be if you were to paddle out and sit right next to him, make some general chit chat with him about how you saw him get a few good ones, how it looks pretty fun and how you hope it doesn’t get crowded out there.” 

“Ahh fuck look at this dickhead, he’s gonna paddle out right here isn’t he.” The lone wolf muttered. “Ahh fuck me, he is. Mate the waves are just as shit here as the other 500 metres of empty beach. How’s it going? Was going good until you paddled out and sat next me ya dickhead. Yeah got a couple of fun ones, would love to get half as many though that’d be great.

“Oh and here comes your mate from the carpark. Yep give him a wave to make sure he knows to paddle out here.”

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After thinking to himself, “hmmm the tide is high”, a local surfer has had the Atomic Kitten song “The Tide Is High” stuck in his head for the last two and a half hours. The song which hasn’t been heard since its release in 2002 has somehow buried itself into the ear of the unsuspecting surfer, refusing to leave his mind while sitting, paddling or riding. It also seems to get louder when duck diving.

The worst part of it all is that it’s the Atomic Kitten version of the song and not even the Blondie version which is marginally less embarrassing.

The surfers only reprieve came when he thought to himself “I can’t get this song out of my head”, causing the Kylie Minogue song with a similar line to finally replace Atomic Kitten.

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