The Worst Gifts To Buy A Surfer
Merry Christmas from an asshole named Brendan Buckley.
It is almost the time for giving.
Which means it is the time for buying. Which means it is the time for you to get your shit together because thoughts only count in chess, abusive relationships, and psychological warfare.
And so it is the time for a Holiday gift guide.
Giving a good surf gift is easy. Some quality wax. Boardshorts. Maybe a leash. A trip, if you’re rich. A wetsuit or a boardbag, if you know that one is needed. Boards can be hit or miss — but there are a few surefire options.
However, giving a bad surf gift is even easier. Which is why I’ve busied myself this season with a guide on what not to give your loved ones who surf.
Here’s a rule of thumb: If you have ever had sex, or plan on it in the future, you shouldn’t own one of these.
Most Home Decor
Candles. Pillows. The vast majority of ocean-inspired paintings or photographs. Unless your loved one cites “Legend” by Bob Marley as their all-time favorite album, there is a good chance he or she will despise all of these things.
GoPro Nose Mount
The international symbol of “please drop in on me.”
Pardon me, you may be thinking. A gun might be one of the most special gifts one could give.
You are wrong.
Buying someone a gun is a terrible idea. They will be happy at first. They will tell themselves it is the board that will bring them to the best wave of their life and think of ways they can start training — eating better, working out, breathing exercises, the whole nine.
You know what happens next? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. The owner changes nothing about his or her life and gathers excuses each and every swell. The board, in all of its beauty, waits patiently. One year in, it hasn’t touched the water. Two years in, same…
The truth is that anybody who legitimately wants to surf waves that require a 10’2” probably already has a 10’2”. Buying one for someone who doesn’t fit into that criteria is essentially erecting a big, timeless monument of their cowardice.
Just get them a t-shirt instead.
Adult Surf Coaching
I’m not sure if this exists in real life or only in theory, but stay away from either version.
Location Co Wax
It ranked last on our definitive guide to surf wax, which means buying this for someone is your way of telling them you hope they fall off their surfboard.
If you’ve never got your wetsuit dirty while exposing yourself in a parking lot then you’re not core.
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