Stab Magazine | Sexual, Contractual, And Begrudgingly Consensual Whispers From Behind Surfing’s Curtain

Sexual, Contractual, And Begrudgingly Consensual Whispers From Behind Surfing’s Curtain

Welcome back to Gossip Girl, xoxo.

style // Mar 30, 2019
Words by Stab
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Once again, rumblings from the world of surf crash down upon us, our Los Angeles and Sydney offices flooded with rumor, conjecture, innuendo.

Welcome back to Gossip Girl, our occasional, mindful indulgence into the dirty little secrets (and not-so-secrets) waltzing blindly backstage; here are a few whispers from behind the curtain.

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Mikey Wright and the dirty jersey

Sexual innuendo is the warm bun Michael Wright wraps around his social media sausage.

Let’s take a look at a few of our favorite captions (all sic) courtesy of the raw-doggiest surfer to blaze his tattoos across the WSL’s webcast in years:

“Nothing better than landing in the flaps”

“Soak ‘em”

“Ripping her a new one”

“Where would you rather be? Nature’s box”

“Put your back into it she said, she never said that again”

“Pull out game strong”  

So, it’s no surprise that for his rookie year WSL singlet, he went after the coveted number 69. A number long sought out by various CT gentry, everyone from Jeremy Flores to Matt Banting, although never granted.

In fact, Michael is the first CT surfer ever to secure the number on his jersey.

How’d he get away with it? A simple explanation, really. No sexual innuendo… no way! It’s his sponsor, Quiksilver’s, 50 year anniversary this year, their year of origin… We’ll let you do the math.

Let’s see if he returns the jersey on December 20 this year.  

John John’s sudden Instagram presence

John Florence is notoriously anti-gram.

For someone boasting an Instagram following of 1.2 million, his social media presence was, for a long time, anything but, well, present.

However, in the past two months, he’s been posting at a frequency that blows his once in a blue moon rate into space, even posting at a daily rate a couple days back  – possibly to show the bum knee that took him out of the circuit tour in 2018 is fully healed.

But, our intel says, applied pressure from his marquee sponsor, Hurley, is what led to this newfound IG consistency.

When tit comes to tat, everyone’s gotta get their milk.

Not another shutdown surf (print) mag!

Surfer Magazine has gone from monthly to quarterly; Surfing Magazine shut its doors a few years back, after Transworld Surf was laid to rest in peace nearly five years earlier.

And now, What Youth, one of the last remaining bastions of surfing you can hold in your ink-stained hands, has officially stopped the presses (although they haven’t put out a magazine since July of 2018). 

This time last year, What Youth founder, and patricidal former Surfing editor, Travis Ferré, left the building, along with much of the editorial staff, We haven’t seen much from WY in 2019, but according to sources close to the mag, they’re shifting more from digital to retail.

What Youth’s merch has always been a pillar of their biz, and they’re keeping this part of the brand alive. You can purchase their T-shirts, as well as What Youth’s final issue here.  

Rockstar is slowly clipping its surf roster

If as of late you’ve noticed an influx of shameless Rockstar energy plugs on their team riders’ Instagrams, it’s because their riders are currently trying to demonstrate value.

And in the fickle market of 2019, a team rider’s worth to a nonendemic is offered in vanity metrics—follows and double taps. At the moment, many Rockstar surfers are sitting in limbo, with contracts that have not been renewed nor canceled.

Who is on the chopping block has yet to be seen. But at the moment, many Rockstar riders are living in taurine fueled purgatory. 

Adriano de Souza’s got a new face and a bum knee

Maybe not wholly gossip, as it can be seen clearly from the posting on his Instagram, but ADS is upgrading his smile. Following in the path of fellow Brazilian Miguel Pupo, the one-time world champ got braces.

He’s hardly recognizable. But hey, you’re never too old to beautify!

At the same time, ADS’ lingering knee injury has left him incapacitated for at least the Snapper event, though inside sources say he could be out much longer. 

Make a Quick Bong Final

The number one result when Google image searching “Quik Bong” 

Billabong and Quiksilver’s Orange County Cross-Pollination

The Boardriders merger’s put two industry Goliaths, Quik and Bong, under the same umbrella. Now both companies are being asked to find shade together in the same building in sunny Huntington Beach.

Now that the two niche market competitors (and unlikely corporate allies) share a workspace, some designers and employees are worried their brand’s ideas and upcoming lines will quite certainly be poached by the other team.

Kalani David’s Finally Got The Support He Deserves

After a stellar amateur career, Kalani David disappeared for quite some time – the result of familial fallouts, sponsor loss, the death of his close friend and mentor Rory Parker (not Stab’s own), and nearly dying himself due to a rare heart disease (the first time) and epilepsy (the several times thereafter).

And while Kalani continues to work through some of these issues, he’s since re-dedicated his life to the things he loves most: surfing and skating.

This has resulted in a radical resurgence of the young Hawaiian, who despite all the lunacy he’s been forced to endure, is still just 21.

Kalani recently secured sponsorship with Dark Seas, Dakine, and Huckleberry Fin co., which has allowed to travel and film around Hawaii, Tahiti, and Europe. Through those performances, Kalani was granted entry into the inaugural WSL Airborne event in France last season, where through a finals berth he earned a spot on this year’s three-event World Tour.

We’ll see Kalani in Australia next week, followed by Keramas and France later in the year. Wait ‘til you see what this kid can do on a surfboard.   

Andrew Doheny leaves Volcom for Dane Reynolds and Co

Longtime Volcom rider, and young member of California’s famed Doheny lineage, Droid has left the Stone.

In turn, he’s joined the Dane Reynolds, Craig Ando, Austyn Gillette and company on FORMER.

We’re currently awaiting a welcome to the team video, but one look at Metal Neck’s Instagram feed will present the FORMER sticker in place of the Stone that occupied his nose for so many years.

A fine addition to the surfing’s band of merry misfits, no doubt.

Also, one look at Metal Neck’s Instagram will ensure you never Airbnb your joint to Newport Beach’s favorite surfing degenerates.

“Thanks, Isabell!”

Until next time.




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