Stab Magazine | Rory's Rumblings: "Nobody Came To Pick Me Up From The Bus Stop"

Live Now: Chapter 11 Mini-Documentary With Dane Reynolds

430 Views

Rory’s Rumblings: “Nobody Came To Pick Me Up From The Bus Stop”

An American man stuck in Australia, dreaming of Kangaroos. 

style // Mar 13, 2018
Words by Stab
Reading Time: 2 minutes

It’s a vicious paradox, I have an easier time writing the more uncomfortable I am. Which is a problem here at the Quik Pro. Stab‘s hooked up a sick rental. I’m being wined, dined. Sharing a bunk bed with Jake the Intern, which is sadistically enjoyable due to Jake’s well-founded fear my heft will exceed load and leave him crushed beneath my slumbering form.

The creaks and cracks with every shift of my body is nerve wracking, he says. I believe him. I’m sure the snoring and farting doesn’t help matters either.

It’s not all loaves and fishes. My ride failed to show at Robina Station, left high and dry and utterly clueless as to where I was going. But for the grace of god, and the random appearance of Brendan Buckley, himself on the tail end of a forty hour trek from Europe, I’d likely still be there. Affecting an accent, sharing food with the mynahs. A cautionary tale become legend.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/3BlHY69ZsZ0

Morgan claims it was all a simple miscommunication. Sure.

“I’ll be there at 11 am.” So confusing.

Maybe I was being metaphorical. Maybe it was a riddle. Maybe Morgs was still fucked from the night before and left me twisting in the wind while he struggled to paddle his way out of the Snapper keyhole.

But it all worked out, as my life seems to, and I once again learned that my high-strung nature is pure cost, no reward.

There are no kangaroos. I knew that was the case. But a large part of me yearns to see them hipping and hopping across creation. Stopping traffic, stealing watches. Humanoid pests with handbags installed serving no purpose but to amuse me.

Media credentials at WSL events are effectively worthless, without fail. Maybe there’s an awning to huddle beneath. But it doesn’t get you access, won’t help you score an interview. You’re left feeling unwanted, unappreciated, worthless. 

It all makes sense if, as was explained to me, you understand that the WSL does not truly want to be a governing body so much as a media outlet. Which makes me the competition, and vice versa.

While I’m typically pissy if I don’t get a lanyard, or bracelet, announcing to the world that I’m a media dork, I’ve never encountered a situation where they are as worthless as at Snapper. 

The Rainbow Bay Surf Club overlooks the point. It’s air conditioned. The price of beer is cheaper than back home on Kauai. They have a smoking section! It’s pure fucking heaven and if I lived out here I’d never leave. My skin would grow dry and cracked and leathery. I’d find a home among the pokie addicts. Playing keno all day, eating roast dinner at night. Sucking down Balter until my American accent was as incomprehensible as their slurred bogan.

For now, I’m chasing leads, looming behind Morgan while he accosts pros during their run back up the point. Mercilessly teasing Jake the Intern despite the fact that I truly, truly, find him endearing. Dreaming of kangaroos and counter-clockwise toilets and constantly bumping into pedestrians because my brain can’t accept the fact that I should be walking on the left. Pondering the lanky blonde hair and near absence of chin that makes certain men look so uniquely Australian. 

Donning fins and swimming wide of the contest area and watching a teeming mass of humanity fail to have any fun at all.

Comments

Comments are a Stab Premium feature. Gotta join to talk shop.

Already a member? Sign In

Want to join? Sign Up

Advertisement

Most Recent

Watch: What Happens When A Brand Takes Its Youth Team To A CT Event?

A: Good things, typically.

Mar 29, 2024

Full Frame: Scandinavia Is Surfing’s Next Frontier

A 30-hour drive, bathymetric maps, and 10 years of searching yield surfing's newest discovery.

Mar 29, 2024

Watch: João Chianca Had A Remarkable Hawaii Season Before His Injury

Plus an update on his condition.

Mar 28, 2024

Pittar’d And Feathered

Do the WSL judges deserve the internet's wrath? We asked the man of the hour.

Mar 28, 2024

Robbo, Pickles, And Tyler Wright Become The Underdogs Breakfast At Uninspiring Winkipop

The foreboding blade sharpens and inconsistent judging prevails on Day Two in Torquay.

Mar 27, 2024

“I Don’t Always Win Heats, But When I Do, I Try To Beat John John”

Slater shines and the axe begins its descent on Day 01 at Bells.

Mar 26, 2024

Back Against The Wall: The Ramzi Boukhiam Redemption

Morocco's first CT surfer on speaking six languages, having no coach, and snatching Fil Toledo's…

Mar 25, 2024

Will Kirra, Babies or JJF Stop a GOAT Winning at Bells?

Bluesky BOAG advice from a Superman specialist and former Trials winner.

Mar 25, 2024

Bells Preview: The WSL’s Victorian Sword Dancing Equinox Ritual

Will a Brazilian crack the Top 10 at Bells?

Mar 25, 2024

69 Shin Bones Later + the Anticlimactic State of Big Wave Record-Breaking

Lucas Chumbo might have surfed the biggest wave ever this year. But how will we…

Mar 23, 2024

Watch: ‘Fresh and Fried’ Ft the Quik Kids

How taxing is it to tackle the Gold Coast’s Triple Crown in a single day,…

Mar 23, 2024

The Popular Vote: The People’s Stab In The Dark With Kolohe Andino Champion

Which board looked best — to you —under Kolohe's talons?

Mar 22, 2024

Six Key Learnings From Portugal

Three CT events in, what do we know? 

Mar 21, 2024

‘Zipper’ Is Going On Tour, Here’s Where You Can Watch It  

Dates, times + locations for the Venice, Encinitas, Sydney + Byron premieres.  

Mar 20, 2024

Dane Reynolds On His Future, His Past, And Chapter 11’s Raison D’être

Our 9-minute plunge into the collective psyche of Ventura's pillar(s).

Mar 20, 2024

From ‘Blue Ribbon Cross Country Runner’ to Vogue – How Steph Again Is Back With A Rip Curl Remix

Everything we know about the she-GOATs sponsorship boomerang.

Mar 18, 2024

Stab Interview: Darren Handley Explains Why You Can’t Buy The Winning Stab In The Dark Model

And his decades-long standoff with Slater.

Mar 17, 2024

Griff Embraces Portugal’s Eternal Time Loop To Vanquish Medina + Ewing, Defay Delays The Inevitable

A redeeming closing act at Supertubos.

Mar 16, 2024
Advertisement