Re-Branding Casual Racism As “Fanhood”

Despite what the press releases say, the World Surf League’s 2018 Founders’ Cup held at the World Surf League’s Surf Ranch in the World Surf League’s Lemoore, California was actually a groundbreaking event.

For the first time in history, it created the ideal atmosphere for surf fans. Something that has been impossible to attain since Day 1. Something that gives surfing what it needs to thrust itself into the mainstream: a way to re-brand casual racism as “fanhood.”

With this Nationalist, Axis and Allies format, surfing has become a globally relevant sport. Because now you’re not racist if you insult Gabriel Medina’s stepfather, you’re just a passionate fan of another team.

In hindsight, the people leaving death threats on Mikey Wright’s Instagram after his altercation with Jesse Mendes were just doing it because they love surf more than you, pussy.

That is why it is not only my privilege — but also my honor — to bring you a Nationalist SPF rankings for the first time ever.

A watershed moment for professional sports journalism.

#69 John John Florence
John John Florence isn’t technically a country, but guess what dickhead neither is Europe.

Anyway, after his performance in the final, I don’t think he is broken — I just think he might need “routine maintenance” or whatever the WSL calls it when their machine disobeys the control room’s orders.

He’ll still win the World Title this year, but he’s in the 69th seat until we see some sparks.

It’s been reported that Walt Disney was a racist, Disney makes films and Disneyland has castles. Ipso facto, Disney will eventually allow us to talk about European’s collective inability of winning a world title. 

#17 Europe 
The first thing they teach you at Surf Journalism School is that you’re not supposed to talk about any big stories until they’ve been publicly addressed by a major film.

So now that it’s OK to say Andy did drugs, the conversation officially doesn’t shift to why Europe can’t produce any World Title contenders.

Still gonna be a couple of years until a movie comes out though, so I’ll just end it by saying, it’s not about how many castles you have, it’s about how many champions you have.

#10 Australia
Mick, Parko— even Steph—aren’t getting any younger.

Australia seems to be going through what the Euros might call a “changing of the guard,” while they perform some elaborate routine that Australians have been doing for no reason since 1300, instead of actually winning heats.

The good news is, with upcoming talents like Ellis Erickson, Torren Martyn, Noa Deane and that little kid who tries to be Craig, the future of Australian competitive surfing is in good hands

#5 Brazil
We have come so far from the dark days, when people would say things like Brazilians have bad style and can only surf bad waves.

With the recent string of World Titles and XXL awards, that statement has proven to be untrue.

We can collectively take a step forward by saying that Brazilians can surf any size waves with bad style.

#3 The World
People forget that the WSL stole the business model of setting up a ranch in the middle of the desert and having people pay large amounts of money to splash around for a temporary thrill that can be found for free elsewhere if you play your cards right.

This already exists all over the world, which explains why the World Team looked so comfortable and that they will have no problem adjusting to wave pools.

#2 Josh Moniz
Hands-down the performer of the event.

The United States of America, making questionable decisions in the name of capitalism and prosperity since the Plymouth Colony.

#1 United States Of America
For the place that pretty much invented capitalism, it was a bad look for Slater to not even be able to capitalize on that opportunity at the end of the event. 

But if history has taught us anything, it’s that the US can just conquer and colonize any country—with better waves, surfers or resources—to get a leg up before the Olympics.

We have more nuclear weapons than anybody and Griffin Colapinto.

Awards:

Grinder of the event, in loving memory of Bede Durbidge
The actual ocean.

Meditation of the week
Namaste.

Surfing Sell Out Meter presented by Satan
It appears as though we are reaching the Rachel Dolezal level of identity crisis mode.