Stab Magazine | "Meet The Cast For Kookslams New Reality TV Show!"

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“Meet The Cast For Kookslams New Reality TV Show!”

It has returned – Edition 125. 

style // May 15, 2018
Words by Stab
Reading Time: 5 minutes

Comments of the week, month, perhaps even year, is back again after another lengthy hiatus. After a bout of laziness related to the sudden and still unexplained disappearance of ‘iHusky’ – plus half-hearted attempts at outsourcing my own responsibilities – I’ve realised I must forgo my ego and return to my birthplace amongst the Stab proletariat to re-seize the means of comment production.

Comments of the week will return to a semi-regular schedule. 

Essentially, Stab and just about everyone other mildly surf-related outlet has gone wavepool mad in Founders Cup hysteria and the suddenly appearance of the Waco pool in Texas isn’t helping our insomnia either.

A typical COTW re-cap would consist of regurgitating the previous periods happenings, but to be quite frank, I’m unsure whether anything outside of self-propelled wave tanks has even happened in the world.

Rio’s been on hold, now it’s going down in highly-relatable closeouts, there’s zilch quality breaking around the bourgeoisie beaches, and for those without a wavepool nearby (all of Australia), we’ve little left to do but trawl internet comment sections and maybe watch Netflix.

So while you twiddle thumbs waiting for South American conditions to improve, or perhaps just skip it all for Keramas, you can take a look below at the best personal attacks on those articles I could be bothered to re-read.

9 – 50k To Rent For The Day And $old Out Straight Away

Comment 10 Binnsy

Ahhh, it’s been a while between zips since I’ve last heard a pool pissing pun. David Carson, our honorary editor in chief from the comments, was kind enough to provide a little assistance in the Stab spelling department and Binnsy came along to further snatch the low hanging fruit 

When there’s pools, there’s piss, but in the case of Kelly’s, it looked as if most of the piss was that being consumed in cups with fruit garnish. Although a little bit of that mythical purple stuff couldn’t hurt to ensure the competitors aren’t releasing any wetty warmers either.

8 – Death Threats Be Damned, The Mongrel’s Headed To Brazil

Comment 9 Chad Lebrone

Mikey ‘seemingly mongrel’ Wright has been gifted a ticket to the Rio Pro due to his astounding efforts on the Q’e and world champ wrangling efforts on the CT.

I’ll tell you who’s not going to Rio though. Joel Parkinson.

This ain’t the first time Joel’s coincidentally missed the Brazilian leg of the event either – previously he’s had ankle injuries and personal issues too. Geez, May really is an unlucky time for the 2012 World Champion! 

7 – West Oz Final Rounds To Be Finished at Uluwatu

Mike c Comment 8

It’s no secret that Gabriel and Italo were vocally opposed to finishing the Margies comp when they shared eerily similar posts about the zones sharky history. At the time, their anti-Margs position may have seemed confusing, but with the recent release of the WSL’s Margies make-up plans the real truth has been revealed. 

Italo and Gabby are WSL masterminds!  

Out with a shark-fearing, screwfoot’s hell and in with one of the best left hand pointbreaks in the world. Well played boys, well played indeed. Just don’t read too much into Bali’s Tiger Shark activity. 

6 – We Tested The World’s Most Coveted Air Section In Waco, Texas

Comment 7 Noas Last Dart

It’s only now that I’m realising the downside to including my own comment here. Vilifying a co-worker for their photo self-captioning is one thing, but choosing your own comment and then explaining it underneath is a whole new world of egotistical tripe.


5 – The Many Faces Of Waco Texas

COmment 6 waco texas

Kelly’s pool could be referred to as the red carpet of artificial waves. Not because it’s the best technology on offer, but because those allowed to surf it are of the highest caliber – or are famous enough to warrant a little non-endemic attention.

The Waco wavepool however is a pond for the normal people. You don’t need to be able to surf, swim, or from what I’ve seen even be able to string a legible sentence together to dip your toes in there. If Kookslams were to venture into reality TV, this might be the best place to start.   

4 – Laird Hamilton Is A Fan Of Fertile Eggs

Laird Hamilton greg 5

Greg’s idea may seem vile, but in an ever-progressing world, this is potentially the path towards nutritional superiority.

Paleo –> Veganism –> pH fluctuating fellatio?

3 – Italo Ferreira Surfs Brazilian Pipeline

Italo Comment 3

It appears ‘Keanu Asing’s power hack’ has followed the likes of Kanoa and Tatiana, jumping ship from Hawaii to throw its full support behind the yellow jersey’d Brazilian. You can’t argue with his logic though; four 1st’s and a 3rd isn’t a bad start to your title campaign. 

2 – Rebranding Casual Racism As Fanhood

SPF Buckly comment 2

Buck’s reply is pure brilliance, but that’s not why you see this comment here today. I’m interested if some could explain how Walter’s initial comment was relevant to the article whatsoever, the Stab comments section is conducive to a little peculiarity, but economic discourse is not a topic hotly discussed.

Good on him for owning an aircraft though. 

1 – Jordy Smith Carries World Team To Victory

Jordy Mike Newmand and Johhny

The wavepools of today’s quality are a relatively new phenomena and life change is often scary. I’m still undecided on the whole modern pool frenzy consuming us all, but if one of those propelled tubs could provide me with the nostalgic reliefs of Gosford train station while I wait for a wave my beliefs could easily be shifted. 

Kelly might need to include a few screaming children, transit officers and stab-happy ‘lads’ if he really wants to nail that CityRail aesthetic though. 


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