“Let’s Hope They Have Darren Handley On Water Patrol”

Welcome back to our quasi-weekly installment of the wittiest jabs directed towards the low-hanging fruit on Stabmag.com. The criteria is low and the brow of humour even lower. 

The past week has been one big combined blow-out: Quik Pro’s, cyclone swells, shark protests, shark captures, injury comebacks, triple barrels, chronic sunburn and one too many angry locals littered along the bath water coast. The commenters have been equally as eggy and one bloke has continuously asked about this intermittently deceased segment – the main motivation for its return. 

I may have missed the previous three weeks of COTW installments, however, i’m going to shift the blame to the once present online puppy, iHusky, who has disappeared in recent times. 

Anyway, let’s take a look back at the past week of debauchery and re-live it all vicariously through the top 10 comments of the past seven days; or more realistically, the first 10 comments that I saw on my flick back through the feed.  

 10 – Quik Pro: Kelly’s 12 Title, Goofy V Natural Footers And The Unstoppable Toledo 

I picked this purely because of how wrong these predictions turned out. I hope your day job isn’t in fortune telling Chad, because the banks weren’t too bad and both bouts of swell turned out less than hoax. It may not have been all-time Snapper, but at least it wasn’t the same as those inside rock sliders which the competition was held in during 2015 – much to Freddy P’s dismay. 

9 – The WSL’s Take On The Academy Awards 

Slightly over one week ago the WSL took to the red carpet on the Gold Coast and while I wasn’t there to witness it we were still able to immerse ourselves thanks to the glorious World Wide Web and its imagery. Here double John was presented the World Title (again) and Mr. Newman implies he forgot to thank his shaper, Jon Pyzel. I’m not sure whether this pun flew over everyone else’s heads or this low-hanging, yet funny fruit was unworthy of any upvotes. 

8 – What’s The Difference Between A CT And QS Surfboard?

They’re only 2-D until you’re decapitated by one. Seriously though, any excuse for when you start arguing with a foiler is useful.

7 – Kelly Spilt Mustard On The Couch Again

Mr. F, if you can get your own way to Bells then you’re in with a shot. If you want to match Tyler Allen though you’ll need to consistently speak in a socially awkward Australian accent regardless of the context. Send through a video resume Davey F and if it’s up to standard perhaps I’ll buy you a beer – albeit a small one. 

6 – Coach Recommends Shoulder Separation And Newborn Before Every Event

Kolohe has long been California’s biggest shot at a World Title since landing on tour in 2012 and coming in at 4th spot on the tour in 2016. Now there’s a new kid on the podium block, Griffin Colapinto, and Stewie here believes Kolohe is shaking in his boots with the young rookie’s presence. I wouldn’t mind a bit of Californian rivalry, to be honest any true rivalry would be much appreciated right now. 

5 – The Quiksilver Pro Prepares For Kirra

No explanation necessary, we know you’ve already seen the clip. It is however a bummer that there were no jetski blunders on Finals Day.  

4 – Gabriel Medina Rushed The Judges’ Tower Today

Mikey received a slight top-trim prior to the Quik Pro, but the party in the back was still in full sway. He managed to take down a fierce Gabby Medina after decimating the reigning World Champ, John Florence. Mikey took down John John with pure grit and wave selection, but Newman seems to believe his Medina squandering strategies are more of the follicle type. 

3 – Introducing The Air Show Dream Tour: Dane Reynolds, Noa Deane, Filipe Toledo and Chippa Wilson

Now this is what a real World Tour should look like: no turns, no fucks and a high-dosage of illicits pulsing through the competitors veins. The surfing will be sub-par, but hey, at least the entertainment and flogging factors will be through the roof. Unfortunately, those names I rattled off in the above article may not be so interested in an air tour after all…

2 – Watch: Joel Parkinson And The “Best Barrel Ever Seen At Snapper”

Joel caught one of the roundest, heaviest waves to ever land upon the Snapper Rocks sand and some witnesses claimed it was the best Snapper wave they’d ever seen. The comp was running down at Kirra this day and it begs the question of how this Snapper tunnel would’ve been scored had Joel been in a rash vest (despite it being a step-off). Pre-2018 the judges dropped a 10 at any tube that rolled on through, these days with Pritamo in charge this comment team ain’t so sure. 

1 – Mikey Wright Just Beat John John Florence

Someone commented “COTW” under this one and I thought to myself, “why not?” – plus it’s relatively funny. 

Well that wraps up a heinously belated ‘Comments of the week’; I’ll see you all again next week, or perhaps in a month… Detail all complaints below.