Stab Magazine | How To Cheat On The World Tour
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How To Cheat On The World Tour

Debased surf coaching 101. 

style // Apr 29, 2017
Words by stab
Reading Time: 2 minutes

In the year 2000, Layne Beachley tossed a comp jersey on and readied herself for a heat at J-Bay… This story can only get better from here.

As Layne waltzed through the rocks at Boneyards and paddled out, her boyfriend at the time, Ken Bradshaw, tucked himself into a nice green bush on the beach. The couple had MacGyvered a waterproof walkie-talkie system and big Kenny called her into the finest waves that heat. This practice wasn’t illegal at the time although they were caught. Some disciplinary action may have been taken, but I don’t know what it was because I was ten years old then and have since found better use of the space in my brain. This story can only get more relevant from here.

It got me thinking — how easy would it be to cheat in the modern-day WSL? Let’s ponder.

PEDs. There are no useful drugs that I can think of. Other than weed. Or maybe blow if you wanted to start to start dreaming up some business schemes mid-heat. But Mason’s not on Tour, and there are already enough traction companies in this world.

Bribing. Richie wouldn’t bite.

Professing love for your competitor shortly before a heat. Didn’t work for Kelly.

Equipment manipulation. Dumb. There’s no way to manipulate a surfboard into giving you an illegal advantage. And it’s not like anybody is going to put vaseline on a competitor’s wax.

The Bradshaw Method. Useful.

We are officially in the golden era of Bradshaw Method. What seemed like a clumsy attempt at cheating in 2000, really was the blueprint for future swindlers. First, they catch you, then they fine you. From there, others learn from your mistakes and do it right. I think Gandhi’s degenerate cousin said that.

Think about it. This is the age of all-smart-everything. The most recent Apple Watch is water resistant and can receive iMessages. You need WiFi in order to get ‘em, but there are workarounds. And there are other waterproof watches out there that operate with a SIM. You don’t even need to be literal in your texts — just develop a little code and keep it simple. At that point, you could probably get something designed to sneak under the glass on your boards. A frail, well-dressed dude at a coffee shop can figure that one out.

Wait, is this already happening? That’s not rhetorical. It’s a real question for any CTer reading this. Tom Brady probably once said, “If you ain’t cheating, you ain’t trying.” Do you know how many Super Bowls he won? Five, so far.

Better wave selection means better surfing, so consider this my contribution to the sport. I’ll take my plaque in HB with a steak and four beers at Duke’s. What have you done for surfing today?

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