Did Stab High Save Surfing Or Ruin Wave Pools?

These are divisive times. 

You either love John John Florence or are Brazilian. You either love Gabriel Medina or are white. You either love Mark Occhilupo or have never had sex. 

No middle ground. 

That’s why, in the wake of Waco, we have to draw definitive conclusions and defend them forever or until popular opinion changes and everybody inevitably forgets what we said and nobody is held accountable for anything unless you become a famous athlete and called somebody gay on Twitter in 2008. 

So let’s decide — did Stab High save surfing or ruin wave pools? 

Maybe it saved surfing because it was fun and genuine unlike most of everything in the past 5 – 10 years. 

But maybe it ruined wave pools because “gymnastics” or something. 

Or maybe it ruined surfing and saved wave pools? 

I’m of the opinion that it saved all of it. The airs, the partying. It all felt so much like surfing. The acid drop challenge seemed to be not just an event, but a theme throughout the weekend. Keep in mind the US government pretty much invented both LSD and the internet and they only made one of them illegal so it’s no surprise that they don’t work so well together. 

Onto the rankings. 

#69 Kelly Slater 

Pretty sly of him to try to steal the show by getting the SARS virus right when our competition runs — kind of like a reversal of when he unveiled his wave pool at a time when the news cycle should have been dominated by the last health crisis to rock professional surfing in Adriano de Souza winning the World Title. 

#33 The person who broke our internet 

Go to Texas and get them to Venmo you $15. 

#21 Eli Hanneman 

People have compared him to John John and he really proved it at Stab High by hurting himself. 

#20 Bumble 

I’d like to thank them not only for their interest in our event, but also for helping professional surfers have sex with women who have nautical stars tattoed on their hips. The ‘90s are definitely back in trend — big s/o to all the seventeen surf brands currently capitalizing on that. 

#18 Dale Walsh 

The man with the most Texas name in the draw, Dale Walsh, opted for a maneuver commonly referred to as “The Texan” — attacking the left without a coherent strategy on the right. The American thing to do here would be to allow him to nominate a judge next year. 

#16 Icaro Rodriguez 

Suffice to what your inherent racism would lead you to believe when reading his name, he’s no Italo Ferreira. 

#14 Curren Caples  

Some people are so kind, talented and good looking that you have no choice but to hate them. This one stings, to be honest. He’s a genuine, cool kid who fucking rips. I don’t want to hate him at all, but I have to hate him just to survive. It’s called Darwinism — read a book. 

#13 Tweakers 

Stab High proved that a well and truly tweaked air is a thing of beauty in surfing. As a result, tweakers are experiencing their biggest surge in popularity since Santa Cruz in the early 2000s. 

#10.5  Matt Meola

Still haven’t fully processed this parody so I’m putting him just outside the Top 10 until further notice. 

#6 Kalani David 

Great showing and I would have put him in at least 3rd place if the final wasn’t a step backward for him — the last Davidians who tried to fend off a siege in Waco took out four people in the process instead of just three. 

#4 Kevin Schulz 

The flip he pulled was the second most interesting thing I’ve ever seen in surfing — the first, as we all know, is Mark Occhilupo in general. 

#3.3 Ian Crane 

He finished with a perfect score of 69 points. 

#3 The Ladybirds 

Being equal by nature is cool, but it turns out being equal by machine is a lot cooler. This was a highlight of the event for everyone except for people who hate everything. 

#2 Chippa Wilson 

Chippa has been an air guy since before it was cool and has stuck to it through the phases of it being cool, then un-cool, then kind of cool again and now cool enough to make normal surfing look tepid even though the WSL is trying to ruin that by making them wear bright sleeveless singlets. 

No better man to win. 

#1 Harry Bryant 

The undefeated MVP of Stab High. I nominate him for the next president of surfing after Occy retires. 

Meditation Of The Event 

Namaste. 

Word Of The Story: Tepid 

/ˈtɛpɪd/

adjective

(especially of a liquid) only slightly warm; lukewarm.

“She soaked a flannel in the tepid water”

Conspiracy Theory Of The Event 

Chippa Wilson was the only surfer with a Stab Interview that dropped just before Stab High. He was also the frontrunner on topsport.com.au. It takes a certain level of Reptilian elite to think that they can pull the wool over our eyes while being sloppy and dropping so many clues — does anybody happen to know where George Bush (the one that did 9/11) is from? 

Hmmm.