Is Paris Burning?

You know Dane Reynolds as a superb surfer. The French know him as “le maitre des beaux-arts” or “the master of photography.” His least famous prints sell for millions of euros in the finest Parisian galleries. A newly built wing of the Musee du Louvre has been dedicated solely to his art. He wins the Grand Prix National de la Photographie every year. When he walks down the street in any French hamlet, women plead to be burnt at the stake and men rip out their fingernails. Homage to “the master.” Dane Reynolds graciously agreed to an exclusive interview (out of respect to Dane, the interviewer only used the most formal French) and showing of his most recent pieces. All were taken during Le Quiksilver Pro 2008. This rare glimpse of the master at work will make you weep. Champagne all around! Et ce que tu danses? Ha! Yes. Thank you. Yes, I dance very well. The DJs in the south of France really suit my dancing style. Fast, hard, and to the point. Vat tu au cine? I find Hollywood cinema to be tasteless and cheap. Je me suis fait faire 3 million de Jocondes sur papier cul? Well, my mother taught me not to talk about money. But I will admit that many very famous people want me to take their picture, and that doesn’t come cheap. I did a family portrait with Tom Cruise. Tom had the Freedom Medal of Valor around his neck. It was very timeless. I also did glamour shots with the Olsen twins and I’m still rolling in the dough from that, so to speak. So yeah, 3 million is a good estimate for a photoshoot, if you are poor, and I feel like being charitable. Tu fais ca demain? Oh yes, I have chateau on the hillside. It’s very beautiful. I have cocktail parties every Thursday and people beg for me to invite them. It’s basically A-Listers only. Pourquoi est-ce que tu ne vienes pas? Yes, I go to Italy every summer, but I don’t like the women there. I find the natives to be very barbaric. But I must go. I have many clients. Bon matin mon amour? Well that’s actually a funny story! I was in the south of France at some podunk bar and the bartender wanted me to pay for my martini. I was like “You’re kidding right?” he was like “miseur this and miseur that” and I was like “Yeah? Fuck you, man” and threw the drink in his face! Ha ha ha! Tu vois la baleine? Oh yes, you’re referring to my infamous portrait of Sir Frederick Markova? In my opinion it was the most influential photograph of our generation. Tu es sure? Oh, yes I’m sure. Est-ce que je suis fou? I think my photos are great because I can find beauty in something that is not so beautiful. It is a gift from God. Tu voudrais du vin? No, I will have a Martini please. Est-ce que tu voudrais etre ma femme? Yes, sure, if you pay.