Breaking: Stab Announces Exclusive Coverage Of The 2020 Olympic Games

Official press document. For immediate release. 

BIG DICK POWER SURFER is pleased to announce exclusive coverage of the 2020 Olympic Games, which were canceled due to the COVID-19 pandemic. However, you should read a book lil bitch because the multiverse theory suggests that the fact that it is not happening relies on the fact that it could happen. 

That’s right lil bitch, Big Dick is back in town and here to report on not only The Olympics but also everything that has or has not happened in surfing lately. It has been many moons since the last SPF ranking, so best practices in journalism suggest we get straight into the rankings. 

#69 – Big Dick Power Surfer 

Big Dick Power Surfer finishes this SPF ranking dead last as he is single handedly responsible for the COVID-19 pandemic. At the start of the year, he booked his first-ever trip to visit a wave pool in Bristol, UK. It is widely believed that the universe conspired to stop him and made Coronavirus happen as a result. His trip was canceled and he has since sworn off wave pools. He is a man of the people, of the ocean, salt of the earth, once owned an Ocean And Earth traction pad, fantasizes about XM leashes, drives a hatchback from 2005, etc. 

#33 Procreation 

One year, it rained for like three days when the Quik Pro France was happening and then everyone on tour had babies nine months later. As far as I know, nobody on the CT has used this downtime to spread their genes. But with Australia’s strict travel regulations, maybe that’s because they haven’t been allowed all up in Yeppoon. 

#27 Strange Royal Rumblings In Shangri-LaMoore  

I was super happy to watch the return of competitive surfing until I started watching and quickly realized it wasn’t surfing. 

#25 Hooded Rashgaurds 

I guess you don’t have to be circumcised to circumnavigate the world.

#24 Owen Wright 

You’ve either got a hood or a helmet and we know all what side Owen is on. 

#22 Willian Cardoso 

There’s a subpar Pandamic joke somewhere in here. 

#20 The Fever 

The award winning Channel Islands design made international headlines this year and has become the most talked-about surfboard of all time. However, in heavier conditions, it seems to be ousted by the Pyzel Ghost. 

#19 Frederico Morais 

He will stop at nothing to win. Travel may be highly restricted right now and yet he’s managed to get all an emotional support Dog all the way from Europe to Hawaii. That kind of commitment will take you places. 

#15 Rio Pro 

No no no not the event, pro surfer Rio Waida. Check this shit out he’s ripping. 

#13 Julian Wilson 

Julian lost one of the biggest heats of the year in his contract battle with Hurley. I didn’t dig into the details but it sounds like he should get rid of his lawyers — I guess it’s just another iconic SURFER laying off its entire staff in 2020. 

#10 Wokeness 

I don’t remember seeing so many surfers this woke since 3 AM at the 2002 Quiksilver Pro France afterparty at Dick’s Sand bar. 

#9 Tribalism 

This year was great for forgetting that other people might hold different beliefs than you, which are thought to be the results of their nature and their nurture, neither of which you have any control over when you come hollering out of a vagina. Surfing has of course responded by incorporating the tribal designs which were popular in the 1990s on various surfboards and garments. 

#8 The Olympics 

Not contrary to popular belief, the first-ever Olympics involved greased up naked men wrestling each other. The ancient Greeks had a great deal of respect for the human body. I think they would be proud of the fact that we conduct our business in skin tight rubber suits. 

#7 Jordy Smith

I am putting him here because I feel like it would kind of fuck with his head to never win a World Title but win Olympic Gold in 1-2 foot Chiba. 

#5 Koa Rothman 

Thank you for the most inspirational surf video of the year.

#4 Christian Fletcher 

Always against the grain, he became the face of the pro-mask movement in San Clemente of all places. 

#3 Good Guy Gabe 

A lot of people say to never meet your heroes but the truly wise say you should also never meet your enemies. The surf world had a good thing going with Medina being a villain then Stab (sensationalistic scummy journalism) ruined it with this clip. Fuck you Stab. 

#2 Bad Boy John 

Now that Gabriel is the angel (obrigado deus), John John has no choice but to pivot into the bad boy role. The timing is perfect. As economic chaos sweeps through global markets, if the surf industry wants to stay afloat we need to get back to our roots, re-master the fundamentals and focus on what made this whole industry work to begin with. 

Of course, I am talking about using boats to haul large amounts of illicit drugs. Somebody get the hooded rashguards and let’s go! 

#1 Italo Ferreira 

Your undisputed 2020 World Champion.

Conspiracy theory of the event 

Matt Biolos is a communist spy. He plays hard ball on social media but collabs with LIB tech? Do ur own research. 

Million dollar idea of the event

Create a Jet Ski UBER for people who have never surfed to tow Nazare.  

Meditation of the event 

Namaste.