Stab Magazine | Did Australia Forget How To Paddle?

Live Now: Chapter 11 Mini-Documentary With Dane Reynolds

714 Views

Did Australia Forget How To Paddle?

A recent swell has raised questions about Australians’ upper-body strength and/or mental fortitude.

news // May 28, 2020
Words by stab
Reading Time: < 1 minute

A late-autumn swell hammered Australia’s east coast last weekend, providing days of overhead surf and stiff offshores. 

Typically, swells of this nature incite something of a national holiday in Australia. The Vegemite factory is closed, incompetent barbers everywhere drop their shears, and the entire population heads coastward in nutrient-deficient pick-ups with freshly waxed JSes, DHDs, and NPJs stuffed in the boot. 

This time, there was just one problem. Australians forgot how to paddle. 

Not you too, Stace!

Have a scroll through Instagram, and among the thousands of sand- and occasionally reef-bottomed tubes that were excavated last week in Australia, you’ll find that only a handful were caught by traditional methods (i.e. paddling). 

The rest? Well, surfers can thank Japan’s premiere adult toy brand, Yamaha, for some motorized assistance.

Anything for a cheap thrill, right?

From this side of the Pacific, it’s impossible to know whether a hyper-contagious, upper-body-specific parasite has infected the shoulders, pecs, and biceps of the Australian surfing nation, or if they were just too lazy to manually position themselves and paddle into slightly overhead waves sans artificial energy. 

Built atop the mountainous shoulders of Tom Carroll, Mick Campbell, and Glen Hall, it would be uncharacteristic of Aussie surf culture to take the easy way out. So we’ll have to assume it’s the parasite option. 

But don’t worry, guys. We have reason to believe that the antibodies necessary to defeat this plague live within one of your own.

His name is Tim Dickson. 

Comments

Comments are a Stab Premium feature. Gotta join to talk shop.

Already a member? Sign In

Want to join? Sign Up

Advertisement

Most Recent

Full Frame: Scandinavia Is Surfing’s Next Frontier

A 30-hour drive, bathymetric maps, and 10 years of searching yield surfing's newest discovery.

Mar 29, 2024

Watch: João Chianca Had A Remarkable Hawaii Season Before His Injury

Plus an update on his condition.

Mar 28, 2024

Pittar’d And Feathered

Do the WSL judges deserve the internet's wrath? We asked the man of the hour.

Mar 28, 2024

Robbo, Pickles, And Tyler Wright Become The Underdogs Breakfast At Uninspiring Winkipop

The foreboding blade sharpens and inconsistent judging prevails on Day Two in Torquay.

Mar 27, 2024

“I Don’t Always Win Heats, But When I Do, I Try To Beat John John”

Slater shines and the axe begins its descent on Day 01 at Bells.

Mar 26, 2024

Back Against The Wall: The Ramzi Boukhiam Redemption

Morocco's first CT surfer on speaking six languages, having no coach, and snatching Fil Toledo's…

Mar 25, 2024

Will Kirra, Babies or JJF Stop a GOAT Winning at Bells?

Bluesky BOAG advice from a Superman specialist and former Trials winner.

Mar 25, 2024

Bells Preview: The WSL’s Victorian Sword Dancing Equinox Ritual

Will a Brazilian crack the Top 10 at Bells?

Mar 25, 2024

69 Shin Bones Later + the Anticlimactic State of Big Wave Record-Breaking

Lucas Chumbo might have surfed the biggest wave ever this year. But how will we…

Mar 23, 2024

Watch: ‘Fresh and Fried’ Ft the Quik Kids

How taxing is it to tackle the Gold Coast’s Triple Crown in a single day,…

Mar 23, 2024

The Popular Vote: The People’s Stab In The Dark With Kolohe Andino Champion

Which board looked best — to you —under Kolohe's talons?

Mar 22, 2024

Six Key Learnings From Portugal

Three CT events in, what do we know? 

Mar 21, 2024

‘Zipper’ Is Going On Tour, Here’s Where You Can Watch It  

Dates, times + locations for the Venice, Encinitas, Sydney + Byron premieres.  

Mar 20, 2024

Dane Reynolds On His Future, His Past, And Chapter 11’s Raison D’être

Our 9-minute plunge into the collective psyche of Ventura's pillar(s).

Mar 20, 2024

From ‘Blue Ribbon Cross Country Runner’ to Vogue – How Steph Again Is Back With A Rip Curl Remix

Everything we know about the she-GOATs sponsorship boomerang.

Mar 18, 2024

Stab Interview: Darren Handley Explains Why You Can’t Buy The Winning Stab In The Dark Model

And his decades-long standoff with Slater.

Mar 17, 2024

Griff Embraces Portugal’s Eternal Time Loop To Vanquish Medina + Ewing, Defay Delays The Inevitable

A redeeming closing act at Supertubos.

Mar 16, 2024

The Secret Behind Lungi Slabb’s Inconceivable Greenmount Funnel

Six broken boards, one leaking forehead, and five days of Superbank mysticism.

Mar 16, 2024
Advertisement