Stab Magazine | Warning: Serial Snaker On The Loose In Nicaragua

Watch 'Wildcard: The Moana Jones-Wong Story'

513 Views

Warning: Serial Snaker On The Loose In Nicaragua

Sound like anybody you know?

news // Aug 19, 2018
Words by stab
Reading Time: 2 minutes

There’s always one.

Six people in the lineup. A fun, overhead, Lowers-esque peak. Enough punch to be fun without presenting a challenge.

Each set came with enough waves for everyone to get a taste, the odd “bomb” breaking outside and running all the way to the beach. Laughs and smiles and the sense of camaraderie among strangers the surf industry uses for marketing but seldom exists.

Except for one guy. Widow’s peak that doesn’t bode well for the future. Attitude that screams ‘Florida.’

He was roasting a mediocre middle-aged guy for getting in the way while paddling out. Sprint paddling from shoulder to shoulder while calling waves—I’m going left!

On the shoulder. Always on the shoulder. On offshore runners that would back off enough to let him fly if only he knew how to bottom turn.

Dropping in, back-paddling, surfing with a confidence surfers possess when they’ve clearly never seen footage of themselves on a wave.

Sitting inside, never taking sets, attempting blow tails that never came close to a make. Sit-down ‘gouges’ that let sections run by and not once came close to recovery. Flailing arm cutbacks that would have Curren spinning in his grave if the man weren’t alive and kicking.

A vibe that screams: I’ve come down for two weeks every Summer for the past ten years. Everyone make way for the local!

It’s a familiar look.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/Pw4C-xN4Wgc

Like a schoolyard bully, he was difficult to ignore, but was obviously unwilling to follow through on his attitude. Sour grapes snowballing sections that were a cakewalk to dodge, backing down at eye contact and staying the fuck out of the way thereon. Complaining aloud to no one about the etiquette of others as he drifted out of position then sprint paddled around whoever was on the inside.

He’s one of thousands and if this trip is successful, and I convince you all that Nicaragua is safe, they’ll re-descend on the country like a ravenous mob.

Which might make me feel bad, if my intent were to help you score surf.

But it isn’t. It’s to put some money in the pockets of a group of people I like. To force some liquidity into an economy that’s feeling a sting. To pack the lineups, litter the ocean with no-talent garbage, and hopefully help the people of Nicaragua find a brighter future.

It’s an effort which, in the end, may backfire brilliantly. Because we surfers are too often truly awful human beings.

Even when we find exactly what we’re searching for we still manage to find a way to royally fuck it up.

Comments

Comments are a Stab Premium feature. Gotta join to talk shop.

Already a member? Sign In

Want to join? Sign Up

Advertisement

Most Recent

7:55

Ozzy Osbourne Wants No More Tears At Pipeline

The best (unofficial) hype reel for the Vans Pipe Masters.

Dec 7, 2022

Wildcard: The Moana Jones-Wong Story

The rise and rise of Mrs. Pipeline.

Dec 6, 2022

Watch: Torrey Meister’s Gunslinging SEOTY Entry

"Bull-riding is such a great warmup for surfing big waves."

Dec 6, 2022

Guess Who Else Just Got Invited To The Vans Pipe Masters

3 more withdrawals, and 3 more exciting replacements.

Dec 6, 2022

21:04

‘Buying Double Cheeseburgers, Acting Like He’s Hit Some Sections Today’

RAGE 400 drops ft Noz, Chun, Creed, Vinny, Jel, Wado + others!

Dec 5, 2022

What’s Happening To Orange County’s Sand, And Is It Worsening The Waves At Lowers?

Read this to upgrade your understanding of your local beach break and coastal environment.

Dec 5, 2022

Here Are The 15 People Who Qualified For The 2023 CT

After seven events and much groveling, 10 men and 5 women will officially be CT…

Dec 3, 2022

An Ode To Aussie Chick Pros From The Nineties 

A celebration of stoicism, resilience, grit, core lordship, and unconditional love.

Dec 3, 2022

Update: John John Flushes Everyone Down The Haleiwa Toilet Bowl

And the CT qualifications for 2023 are set.

Dec 3, 2022

3:53

Riaru Ito Is Cooler Than His Cucumber Garden

Meet our passion pick for the Vans Pipe Masters.

Dec 2, 2022

5 New Surfers Confirmed For The Vans Pipe Masters

Who's out, who's in?

Dec 2, 2022

Unlocked: Kael Walsh, Rolo Montes, And Al Cleland Jr In ‘Saturn’

Quik’s new 20-minute surf film is so good you’ll want to burn a DVD of…

Dec 2, 2022

How Surfers Get Paid, Episode 4

The energy drinks are here. They’ve got millions of dollars, and they want your head.

Dec 2, 2022

‘Saturn’ Orbits Into Southern California

Quiksilver's newest film made landfall in Encinitas, and we were there to document the occasion.

Dec 1, 2022

The Vans Triple Crown Of Surfing Returns In 2023

Can anyone beat John Florence and Carissa Moore in a three-week window?

Dec 1, 2022

What Will Airs Look Like In 10 Years?

The final installment of our editorial exploration into the nuances of airborne surfing.

Dec 1, 2022

3:31

Can A South African Cavern Queen With No Pipeline Experience Do Well At The Vans Pipe Masters?

Sophie Bell will have a steep learning curve in Hawaii.

Nov 30, 2022

After Years Of Tragic Shark Attacks, Surf Competition Returns To Reunion Island — And A CT Event Could Follow

"We compete at J-Bay and Margarets where there's the same problem." -Johanne Defay

Nov 30, 2022
Advertisement