Is Kelly Slater’s Wavepool Stealing Jobs From The Ocean?

Little known fact: human beings (homo sapiens) have a recorded history that dates back to 90 years ago when Kelly Slater won his first ASP World Title. Since then, we, as a species, have always relied on the ocean.

It has not only been a source of life and WQS events but also of stinky fish. More than anything, throughout the history of mankind, the ocean has served one major purpose: exposing people’s flaws.

There is a reason why people talk about Christopher Columbus and not Jean-Francois de Galaup Lapérouse. It is not only because his name is way too fucking long to remember, but also because JFDGL died at sea while Chris actually achieved his goal of having non-consensual sex with people who had more tanned skin than him on the other side.

Which leads me to my point.

The WSL’s Surf Ranch is stealing jobs from the ocean by exposing the fact that the surfing they have been cultivating in the 90 years since Slater won his first World Title is imperfect. The fact of the matter is that it has always been nature’s job to expose the utter lifelessness of competitive surfing. If you don’t believe me, you can just ask Charles Darwin.

Brazil did a perfectly fine job at exposing flaws today, but the WSL Illuminati wants you to think that you need drink a Michelob Ultra to enjoy the subtleties of Deivid Silva not actually being fun to watch surf.

Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams, folks.

Now, the takeaways from today (which was the best day of waves Brazil’s produced in years).

If Ian Gouveia surfed like that, he wouldn’t be Ian Gouveia. Meditate on it. Namaste.

The WSL ending the time-honored tradition of zooming in on women’s behinds really hits home at this event. It seems as though they have replaced pan-ins on a complete stranger’s ass with generic drone footage and on-the-beach reports where the fans are surprisingly “passionate.” They really ought to tell the fella that dresses up as Spiderman that the contest moved from Barra da Tijuca.

Everybody was horny for Julian Wilson. Goes to show you what happens when you ditch a puka shell necklace. The judges literally couldn’t contain their “excitement” and prematurely blew their “horn” while Julian stood up before the restart. No problem, though, because he still maintained the Hyundai Yellow Jersey by beating style master Alejo Muniz.

Gabriel beat Mikey Wright, which means he did John John a favor, which means he did himself a disservice. My guess is that Charlie only knows how to play checkers, not chess.

I don’t know if tubes find Seabass or if Seabass find tubes, but, damn, something is happening there.

Filipe Toledo is only 23 years old and already has two kids. I feel like he’s going to have 8. I also feel like if he could learn to stand tall in 8-foot tubes, he could win many World Titles.

With all due to respect to Jean-Francois de Galaup Lapérous, I re-watched Lost Atlas, a surf movie released in 2011 to see if John John’s 9.8 wasn’t overscored and yeah, it totally was. He still won the heat (thanks Gabriel).

Oi Rio Men’s Pro Remaining Round 2 Results (H6-12):
Heat 7: Michael Rodrigues (BRA) 8.67 def. Matt Wilkinson (AUS) 5.80
Heat 8: Frederico Morais (PRT) 9.04 def. Patrick Gudauskas (USA) 6.73
Heat 9: Jeremy Flores (FRA) 13.66 def. Jesse Mendes (BRA) 10.60
Heat 10: Sebastian Zietz (HAW) 15.86 def. Joan Duru (FRA) 15.67
Heat 11: Tomas Hermes (BRA) 14.24 def. Conner Coffin (USA) 5.13 
Heat 12: Kanoa Igarashi (JPN) 10.57 def. Connor O’Leary (AUS) 10.20 

Oi Rio Men’s Pro Round 3 Results:
Heat 1: Ian Gouveia (BRA) 14.26 def. Jordy Smith (ZAF) 10.90
Heat 2: Michael Rodrigues (BRA) 13.70 def. Frederico Morais (PRT) 11.07 
Heat 3: Filipe Toledo (BRA) 6.90 def. Keanu Asing (HAW) 6.37
Heat 4: Kolohe Andino (USA) 12.40 def. Willian Cardoso (BRA) 2.57
Heat 5: Kanoa Igarashi (JPN) 12.84 def. Griffin Colapinto (USA) 11.40
Heat 6: Julian Wilson (AUS) 9.34 def. Alejo Muniz (BRA) 8.94
Heat 7: Gabriel Medina (BRA) 13.10 def. Mikey Wright (AUS) 12.64
Heat 8: Sebastian Zietz (HAW) 14.27 def. Tomas Hermes (BRA) 9.17
Heat 9: Ezekiel Lau (HAW) 8.33 def. Adrian Buchan (AUS) 7.44
Heat 10: Yago Dora (BRA) 10.56 def. Italo Ferreira (BRA) 9.70
Heat 11: Wade Carmichael (AUS) 13.30 def. Jeremy Flores (FRA) 12.67
Heat 12: John John Florence (HAW) 17.97 def.  Miguel Pupo (BRA) 8.26

Oi Rio Men’s Pro Round 4 Matchups:
Heat 1: Ian Gouveia (BRA), Michael Rodrigues (BRA), Filipe Toledo (BRA)
Heat 2: Kolohe Andino (USA), Kanoa Igarashi (JPN), Julian Wilson (AUS)
Heat 3: Gabriel Medina (BRA), Sebastian Zietz (HAW), Ezekiel Lau (HAW)
Heat 4: Yago Dora (BRA), Wade Carmichael (AUS), John John Florence (HAW)