Is California Shrinking?

Drive 800 miles due north from Lower Trestles, up Interstate 5, make a left in Yreka, then zigzag your way through Fort Jones and Happy Camp and you’ll find yourself in the Trinity Alps. It’s god-damn beautiful country. The famous Pacific Crest Trail runs right down the spine of the mountain range. It’s also the spiritual homeland of the State of Jefferson.

What is the State of Jefferson? Well, they’re the 51st state in the Union, who describe themselves as “a bunch of Bible-thumpin’, gun-totin’, wild-eyed pistol-wavers,” but that does them a disservice—maybe. They’ve got big political aspirations. They want to secede from California and Oregon and become the State of Jefferson (named after founding father, Thomas Jefferson).

The scary thing is, like so much that’s terrifying about America today, there are a lot of fools feeding into the frenzy. To date, 21 Northern California counties have declared their intent to leave the State of California and form the State of Jefferson (Oregonians aren’t quite there yet). In terms of their political stance, the fact that their state flag features two Xs representing how they’ve been double-crossed by leaders in the state capitals of Sacramento and Salem should tell you everything you need to know.

Maybe it’s just run-of-the-mill U.S. political fuckery a la Trump—think disenfranchised, uneducated old white men—but considering surf-rich zones like Mendocino and Humboldt Counties fall in their purposed jurisdiction, some of California’s best (and least surfed) waves are in the crosshairs. From the town of Gualala in Mendocino County all the way up to Coos Bay in Oregon is 400-plus miles of State of Jefferson country. 

The counties in green have declared their allegiance to the State of Jefferson.

As of this spring the State of Jefferson’s been giving away plots of land for free, to anyone keen on settling in the Wild West. Considering the unemployment rate in the area hovers at nearly ten-percent, about seven points higher than the California average, that may be a hard sell—until you see what the future holds.

They note that prime real estate is still available in the area’s Redwood forests. The State of Jefferson is encouraging new settlers to come and help harvest this precious, limited resource.

“The people who are given the properties in the Redwood Forests are the lucky ones,” said newly elected Governor Davis Kahn in a story on Homesteadnotes.com. “I hope they replant what they harvest.”

But it doesn’t sound like Kahn and company really care much one way or the other. The story continues that it’s not known how much of the Redwood property is still available and that, “the earlier responders to relocate to Jefferson are more assured of receiving these nicer properties.”

A little late to the party? No problem. The State of Jefferson is also the epicenter for Bigfoot research.

“Not many local people care to discuss the sightings in these areas. Nor will you find these lands welcomed to outsiders,” reads the Homesteadnotes.com story. “New residents wishing to acquire properties in the Bigfoot regions should take it upon themselves to do due diligence to conduct their own research and be prepared for any encounters. Waivers to the Bigfoot properties will be given but waivers must be signed to remove any responsibility of harm from The State.”

If all else fails you can always grow the ganja. Hell, it’s basically the state crop and there’s a town called Weed in the State of Jefferson.

“The State of Jefferson will offer much of the high productive marijuana forests for free to those who are deemed fit and well enough to tend to the crop,” the story continues.

But before you get your hopes up, “the chances of people receiving marijuana lands is very small,” said Governor Kahn. “We’d like to keep the weed high quality so only apply for these lands if you have experience and ability.”

Seriously, we can’t make this shit up. God Bless America…