Fwd: A Newsletter For People Who Hate Newsletters

Ed. note: The following is the first of a weekly email blast that will be sent to consenting Stab subscribers every Thursday afternoon (US) or Friday morning (Aus). Give it a read, and if the words coax an unconscious gust from your nostrils, you can subscribe to our weekly Fwd here. 

Welcome to the Stab Forward, a weekly distraction regarding the very important topic of surfing. 

The pitch? A lot happens in a week. You don’t need to consume everything (see: Vlogs), but there are plenty of diversions worth your time. I’m here to break them down — and probably make fun of them. I want you to walk away feeling entertained, humored, inspired and occasionally pissed off. 

And, as is always the case when you’re pissed off, be sure to pass it on. 

Got questions? Thoughts? Intoxicated rants aimed at the current state of surfing? Good. Maybe I’ll publish them here. Email me at [email protected]  

Let’s dive into it. 

Not like that, Bill! Photo: Nick White

So, what should we talk about? 

Here are Stab’s three most-read stories of the week. Let’s talk about why. 

From Novelty To Near Death: The Nazaré Tow Challenge 

You stunned by the fact that the governing body of our sport went radio silent for a few hours after live-streaming a competitor lifelessly floating face-down in the water at one of their events? If yes, then welcome to surfing. Please take a seat. 

Taj Burrow Has A New Sponsor

Many surfers, myself included, have a sibling-esque relationship with the industry — you’re allowed to hate it and take shots at it only because, deep down, you love it. Oh, you don’t think you love the surf industry? Then explain why you always click on industry news. 

Kelly Slater Offers $5,000 To Internet Troll If He Can Beat Caroline Marks In A Teahupo’o Surf-Off

Imagine you’re in this guy’s position—what would you do? Walk away with your tail between your legs, or accept the challenge as penance for your trolling and proceed to get brutally walloped by a teenage tube queen? Don’t be a pussy, dude.

 PS, Stab has followed up with Black Beans to see if he would consider revealing his identity and accepting Slater’s request. Thus far, no response. 

And what are we mad at? 

The Netherlands, obviously — and not just because they’re considering banning tourists from the cannabis cafes in Amsterdam. Stab recently published a story on a novelty wave somewhere in that small, friendly nation and the results were interesting. Some commenters felt betrayed by the Dutch’s unwillingness to share the specific location of this wave. Others made confusing remarks about this somehow being the surf industry’s fault. Either way, it was a wild (albeit) novelty ride. 

Oh, and if you’re craving a more simple reason to feel troubled, you can always scoff at Kanoa Igarashi for not liking the same music as you. 

Who did we become (bigger) fans of? 

Noah Wegrich. A little story about Noah: I went to Western Australia with him four years ago on a Surfing Magazine (RIP) trip. One night began with a formal dinner and ended in a dusty backyard with a middle-aged band doing covers of bad rock songs. The air was filled with Styx, not romance, and there appeared to be a lack of single people around. However, Noah was missing the next morning — only to reemerge with tales of a night spent in a poorly kempt van with two Canadian women. Very elusive. 

Last week, Noah dropped a short film fittingly called Elude. He spent three years of his life making it and you should spend thirty minutes of your’s watching it. Noah has a way of making surfing look like the funnest thing in a world, and in a very uncontrived way. 

Where should we go next week? 

Got disposable income and surplus time? Nor do I. But if I did, I would be looking into going to Hawaii next week. It’s going to be big, but not huge. I’d bring an impact vest and a 9’4” and plan on going straight on some XXM waves at The Bay. Unless you cherish the chance of running into Ace Buchan in the healthy aisle at Foodland, this is a superb time of year to visit the North Shore. Don’t wait too long, though. Winds in March can get tricky. 

And now, let’s hear from Dane. 

“Do you ever feel like people who paddle around you cluelessly can’t possibly be intelligent?” -Dane Reynolds 

Anything else? 

Yep. Here’s a picture of Gabriel Medina riding a hydrofoil that will inexplicably make you feel deeply at peace with yourself. 

You can subscribe by clicking the link below. Or you can forward it along. 

Your call. 

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