A Pandemic Cannot Stop This Contest From Happening

I have had the pleasure of attending the East Coast Surfing Championship — known affectionately as ECSC — two times in my life. 

Or maybe three? It is hard to be sure. 

The event set the stage for many lifelong memories. I tested my first fake ID at a Hooters there. It worked and gave me the confidence to move onto bigger and better things, such as liquor stores in bad neighborhoods. I saw a girl put a longboard fin inside of her body and saw Jadson Andre surf for the first time. You never forget the first time you see Jadson Andre surf, and that was the only time I’ve ever enjoyed watching somebody ride a single fin. 

I witnessed a twenty-or-so person brawl over a disappeared 30 pack of Natural Light. Many bad tattoos. One time, there was a hurricane and the waves got kind of fun. I shook a man’s hand minutes before penetrating his daughter. He wore a plastic Captain Morgan’s necklace.

This is a visual representation of how I remember it. 

I maybe made the semis once? Quarters? It is still hard to be sure. 

Anyway, ECSC is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream, and its 58th iteration will start on Sunday regardless of a pandemic and lethargy in (that part) of the Atlantic Ocean. 

I’m not an epidemiologist, but I have seen no studies regarding the spread of coronavirus through timeless fin designs entering vaginal canals. That’s why they call this virus novel — we still have much to learn. 

Therefore I, Big Dick Power Surfer, endorse the 2020 Coastal Edge East Coast Surfing Championship and sanction it as an ASP event. I would like to wish all the competitors the best of luck. May you stop at nothing as you pursue your destiny of becoming the East Coast Champion Of The World. 

The event starts on Sunday and you can watch the webcast here. I might cover some of it.