Signed Up To Join World Tour; Plays Spin The Bottle - Stab Mag

'Vacation Presented By Monster Energy' Drops 5pm on Thurs, March 30 (PT)


Signed Up To Join World Tour; Plays Spin The Bottle

‘The Ultimate Surfer’ skewers surf culture with a single message in a bottle.

elsewhere // Aug 22, 2021
Words by Ethan Davis
Reading Time: < 1 minutes

The Ultimate Surfer features 14 contestants battling it out on the consistent and perfect waves created at the Surf Ranch in Lemoore, California. The hopes of the contestants are collectively focused on the unlikely yet remarkable winner’s prize — an opportunity to compete on the WSL Championship Tour, the pinnacle of professional surfing.

Professional surfers aren’t always known for their on-screen charisma, what with their ice baths and training routines. Add to that homogenised, mechanical surf conditions and The Ultimate Surfer could potentially be a dramaless production.  

Enter Jesse Palmer, TV personality from ‘The Bachelor’ series, in which a bachelor dates a group of women, over several weeks to prove their compatibility with him. He will be in da house to make sure that there is no shortage of cringe-worthy theatrics.

The latest challenge involves a spin-the-bottle game, coercing contestants to kiss each other based on where the resting bottle points. Nothing maintains the integrity of The Ultimate Surfer being a pathway for surfers to credibly make the CT like a challenge selecting for one’s proclivity for globally broadcast hanky-panky. 

“This isn’t a kissing show,” says Juli Hernandez, a Costa Rican surfer and contestant. “If I wanted to kiss someone I would’ve gone on the Bachelor”, says Hawaii’s Brianna Cope. 

“Yeah well, this isn’t a fucking surf contest,” replied an executive presumably. 

One thing we can be sure of is that whoever wins The Ultimate Surfer will have earned every last bit of it. 

Watch the first episode tonight to see if this all highly entertaining or like the slow motion death of surf culture.  


Comments are a Stab Premium feature. Gotta join to talk shop.

Already a member? Sign In

Want to join? Sign Up


Most Recent


Why You Should Never Not Paddle Out

How an impromptu 30 minute session made a Jamaican surfer $1,000 richer.

Mar 30, 2023


“I’ve Had Two Concussions Surfing Here”

Chronicles of a Newport shore-hound.

Mar 29, 2023

Rio Waida Has Been Surfing Onshore, Oversized Bells Alone

...and he might not go home all year.

Mar 29, 2023


John Florence Releases Long-Form Piece On The 243km Great Ocean Squiggle

Tourism Victoria going, ‘he just did our job for us’.

Mar 29, 2023


Japanese Rice Farmer Enjoys Frightening Sumatran West Bowls

Kaito Ohashi is on his best behavior.

Mar 28, 2023

Watch: When People Like This Speak, We Listen

Raw, extended conversations with Clyde Aikau and Eddie Aikau winner Luke Shepardson.

Mar 28, 2023


Diamond Tail = Diamond Hands?

We'll explain everything in the Rusty D-Min Joyride.

Mar 27, 2023

Behold Australia’s Nine & NZ’s Two Challenger Series Qualifiers*

May the Southern Cross smile upon you at Snapper.

Mar 27, 2023

An Unordinary Life Structured Around A Tidal Bore

Long Read: The life and times of Pete Beachy.

Mar 26, 2023


Watch: ‘Haiku’

Scenes From a Remote Reality, by Vans & Karina Rozunko

Mar 25, 2023

Sun Room: The Overnight Success Of A Young Surf Band

What's it like touring the world and living off of McDonald's?

Mar 25, 2023

How Surfers Get Paid, Episode 6

An instructional manual for the modern professional surfer

Mar 23, 2023


Caity Simmers — Extreme Competitive Surf Vlogger

Cool is chemical.

Mar 23, 2023

Globe Pulls Out Of The Apparel Game

…and, Taj Burrow and Dion Agius are now looking for new main sponsors.

Mar 22, 2023

Owen Wright Announces Retirement From Competitive And Heavy-Water Surfing

But will surf final CT event at Bells.

Mar 22, 2023


Fancy An Ale, Some Good Music, And A Bunch Of Tubes?

Ballet's minimalist full-length will satiate your needs.

Mar 22, 2023

João Chianca Spent Seven Years On The QS Without A Sponsor

And look where he is now.

Mar 22, 2023

Take Stab’s 2023 Audience Survey, Win A 3-Board Quiver

Stab towels and Premium subscriptions also up or grabs.

Mar 21, 2023