Tip number one: Don't attach a flair to the tail of your board and go night surfing, unless you're Bruce Irons and you wanna look hot. Photo: Brian Bielmann
The Hottest Tips In Surfing
A catalog of wisdom that has nothing to do with technique.
It was a long walk across the reef.
There were jagged chunks. Giant holes. Urchin fields. Stone fish, maybe? Eh. Maybe. After a few days of stumbling my way to the lineup, it started to look like I’d acquired some sort of foot leprosy. Then, just like that, a friend hit me with one of the hottest tips I’d ever heard.
Use a leash instead of reef booties.
Back to that intro — when it comes to reef booties, there is only one simple rule to follow: don’t wear them. At all. Ever. The hot tip my buddy bestowed upon me was to wrap your leash around the ball of your foot when trudging across reef. That way, you get to use one power foot with full confidence and you can pick your battles with the unprotected hoof. If you want, you can even keep part of a broken leash for your other foot and strap it around your ankle once you’re out the back. From a sustainability perspective, that’s the most eco-friendly way to stomp thriving coral reef systems into impotent chunks of rock that will be deserted of all life in a matter of a few years.
Stop wrestling your fins.
Not all fin boxes were created equal. But all people were, so you can rub a little wax on the base of your fins to make up for a pesky box’s shortcomings.
Got a cold suit? I got a hot tip. Wetsuits can be warmed by your motor vehicle. Just jam it under the leg vents with the heater on high on your way to the beach. If you have a van, squash it against where your engine heats the floor for a similar effect.
Park for free.
The people who administer parking tickets have already been bamboozled into becoming people who administer parking tickets for a career, so you might as well bamboozle them again by cheating the system. Pay the fee ten, maybe twenty times and keep all the stubs. Once you’ve got a stash, scatter them all across your dashboard and never pay again. Remember: it’s less about the $2.75 and more about the principle.
Cool your face.
Ever felt like your face was going to melt off or combust from all that noonday sun in a tropical lineup? Well, feel it no more. Stash a little SPF stick in your pocket and coat your face next time. Not only will your face stop melting, you’ll also get every wave (all of them) from that point forward — you think anybody is going to fuck with the psychopath who was just smearing chap stick all over their face in public? And hey, speaking of sunscreen, it’s great for protecting you from rash - don't be shy, rub it on your inner thighs.
This one’s simple — pull your wetsuit over your ankle to prevent your leash from sliding around and tripping you up. It doesn’t do much, but it does something.
Stop giving money to strangers.
Charging per board is a satanic ritual invented Joseph Stalin and kept alive through illuminati etc. The bag is already large and heavy — what’s the difference between two and four boards? Prevent them from knowing the truth with a zip tie, which you should always say was, in fact, your last. Basically, if you hate giving strangers your money then you will love zip ties.
Bonus hot board bag tip: they make pretty whatever beds.
Got any? Share them below. We can go tip for tip. Nothing weird about that!