Bruce Irons to straddle Gold Coast

Bruce in Mex. Comfy. Photo: Tom Carey.

Forever Young

Bruce Irons wakes up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy. Grabs his glasses (the Bruce Irons Signature Series Hijinx), he’s out the door (of his beautiful Kauai home), he’s gonna hit the city (of Gold Coast, Australia). He will be there for the Quiksilver Pro (brushing his teeth with a bottle of Jack). He will be competing for the Kevlar surfboard trophy (cuz when he leaves for the night he ain’t comin back). And you thought he was retired?

“Pshhhhhaaaawwww. Retired? Fucking everybody thinks that I retired and quit the tour. Quit. Quit. Quitting. Quiiiittting. Fucking I didn’t quit anything. I stepped away because of fucking places like Bells. But Snapper has always been one of my favorite waves in the whole world. I was already going to go and check out the scene so it’s cool that I get to compete. I still love competition. I love the Gold Coast. It’s got that Oahu vibe…Hanging out with Parko and all the boys…I am psyching to hang with the boys, surf, have fun, go to the casino. Fucking I love going to the casino. Gambling is my kryptonite. Craps, man. Craps is my game. I’ll always give my wife my ATM card at the start of the night, and then in a few hours I’m like fuuuuuuuuuuck give it back to me! I’ll bet on anything. I don’t really watch sports but if I put a bet on a game I’ll be more into it than anyone in the room. Soccer? Fuck, I don’t care at all about it but if I bet on it then I’ll care like crazy.

I’ve been surfing so much here on Kauai and Oahu. I haven’t surfed this much in years. When I was on tour I felt I was surfing like a fucking robot. Now it is so fun again. I am psyching. I’m still way competitive, I just knew, to win the whole tour you have to be great at all those waves. Fuck. If I could write my own ticket? I’d surf Snapper, Chopes, Trestles and Pipe. Hahahaha but I’ll never get into Chopes because of Billabong hahahaahaha. J-Bay? World Cup? I’d go surf it and then bet on soccer. Fuck, once I was there like ten years ago and they had some world soccer thing. I was out at a bar and it was packed with Brazilians and French. The French won and the Brazilians were so fucking bummed. Like crying. Was I stoked at their misery? It was totally funny but I don’t give a shit about either country. Bells? It’s a fucking novelty wave that was ok back in the 70s on those shitty boards.”

Bruce Irons doesn’t stop. He makes it pop. He blows my speakers up (because he is awesomely opinionated and knows that nothing he says will haunt him). Tonight he’s gonna fight ‘til he sees the sunlight. Tick tock, on the clock. But the party won’t stop. No. Woah-oh-oh-oh (because Bruce Irons will be with us. Always and forever. World without end.) Amen. – Charlie Smith.

* Footnote: Brother Andy is already on the GC in preparation for the first event. Frustrated with the lack of wave action on the GC, Mick Fanning and Jay "Bottle" Thompson are in West Oz chasing caves.

** And, a further footnote: There are two sets of trials for the Quiksilver Pro. There are 45 surfers with the ASP, along with three wildcards to make a 48-man draw. Andy Irons has one event wildcard for the entire year. In the Quik Pro, one of these wildcards goes to Julian Wilson, the other goes to the trials winner. Getting that single wildcard ain't easy. This 16-man trials draw now features Bruce Irons, the best of Quiksilver's international team (Clay Marz, Ry Craike, Jack Freestone) along with two local surfers who got through via the trials for the trials (this year it's Samba Mann and Blake Ainsworth).

*** Finally, the banks at Snapper have been gross since a big swell killed it at the end of May. According to Quiksilver's Troy Brooks, they've been meeting with the sand-pumping board and they're readying to fire its pistons next week with the arrival of a big south-east swell. "The pumping facility actually needs a south swell to draw the sand and we've been in a northerly pattern for such a long time," says Troy. "We're still a long way out but it looks like we could have really good banks for the contest. We just need to swell to continue."

Davo
Posts: 37

Re: Bruce Irons to straddle Gold Coast
Reply #37 on : Fri February 05, 2010, 17:48:46

Dont like Bells? Than ya should have fucked off and stayed in Cooly.

Anonymous
Posts: 37

Re: Bruce Irons to straddle Gold Coast
Reply #36 on : Fri February 05, 2010, 11:17:14

Is the Oakley ad above meant to appeal to me sexually? Or is it made to make Bruce look tough because he is holding a Ladies shotgun?
Pigging is done with Dogs and a bayonet not with a waxed chest and a blue steel.
Really is it targeted at twelve year old girls? laugh my ass off at that ad.

Fred
Posts: 37

"who cares"
Reply #35 on : Tue February 02, 2010, 14:02:03

Bruce, old mighty Bruce... just another reckless kid !!!

surfcheck
Posts: 37

Re: Bruce Irons to straddle Gold Coast
Reply #34 on : Mon February 01, 2010, 17:01:40

Bruce was Dane Reynolds before Dane. He doesn't care about winning, but surfing good waves. When he won at Ulus you can tell he was no different- it just worked out. Still one of the best in heavy barrels- don't remember Chopes going off since the Moderns came on board, we'll see when it happens.

Taylor Knox has I think also one win his entire 15-yr career. As long a Bruce gets some shots and a few contests guess he'll survive.

Pinetrees is the baby wave. The Hanalei right makes Bells look like Waikiki. If you're local its a feast, where do you think the Irons bros learned to charge heavy surf.

jaz
Posts: 37

bells
Reply #33 on : Mon February 01, 2010, 10:56:07

i am so glad someone finally called out bells for what it is "a shit fat wave" ,the fucken mexicans can fucken have it.

Robert Spector
Posts: 37

Re: Bruce Irons to straddle Gold Coast
Reply #32 on : Sun January 31, 2010, 22:08:07

Thank you, J-Z drop, we'll call you back...

Jay-Z drop
Posts: 37

Empire State of Mind
Reply #31 on : Sun January 31, 2010, 16:15:43

Yeah, Imma up at Brooklyn,
Now I'm down in Tribeca,
Right next to DeNiro,
But I'll be hood forever,
I'm the new Sinatra,
And since I made it here,
I can make it anywhere,
Yeah they love me everywhere,
I used to cop in Harlem,
All of my dominicanos
Right there up on broadway,
Brought me back to that McDonalds,
Took it to my stash spot,
Five Sixty Stage street,
Catch me in the kitchen like a simmons whipping pastry,
Cruising down 8th street,
Off white lexus,
Driving so slow but BK is from Texas,
Me I'm up at Bedsty,
Home of that boy Biggie,
Now I live on billboard,
And I brought my boys with me,
Say wat up to Ty Ty, still sipping Malta
Sitting courtside Knicks and Nets give me high fives,
N-gga I be spiked out, I can trip a referee,
Tell by my attitude that I most definitely from...

New York,
Concrete jungle where dreams are made of,
There's nothing you can't do,
Now you're in New York,
These streets will make you feel brand new,
Big lights will inspire you,
Lets here it for New York, New York, New York.

Taj's Burro™
Posts: 37

Re: Bruce Irons to straddle Gold Coast
Reply #30 on : Sun January 31, 2010, 14:53:56

Bruce was on the tour for what 10+ years? Bruce surfed all the ASP connies over those years at the hard as fuck spots, Chopes, Pipe, Tavarua, J-Bay. And Bruce has one win in all of those years?

One.

Shoots, Bells is a far better wave more often that Pinetrees or Bathrooms ever is.

Pack it in, mate.

Anonymous
Posts: 37

Re: Bruce Irons to straddle Gold Coast
Reply #29 on : Sun January 31, 2010, 13:51:06

They can not legally remove you from the contest area if you are so inclined.

Anonymous
Posts: 37

Re: Bruce Irons to straddle Gold Coast
Reply #28 on : Sun January 31, 2010, 12:57:15

Quote; "but I’ll never get into Chopes because of Billabong" end quote.
Just as I thought, the whole thing is rigged.
This factoid should be presented to the betting agencies, they'd drop surfing like a hot rock.
This year Quik will again take over our points at peak cyclone time. They're mobile too so wherever its best you wont be surfing. If you even try they will have the cops on jetskis to arrest you. Very much in the spirit of surfing and Aloha?. Cops...in the surf....armed cops, on jet skis, in the surf..think bout that for a second.
Thanks Quik fuck. Really, Im so stoked to be threatened by you.
I wish Quik would use the artificial reef that cost us taxpayers a couple million to build just up the road in Surfers Paradise. Is it fair on local business' that just the rainbow bay bottle shop and surf club benefit?
We live for the waves and Quikfuck has stole them from us. Not all year, but when its best. When it counts. I reckon all the locals should stage a mass paddle out while Slaters heat is on. I see the headlines reading; "hired cops mass arrest local surfers at Quik contest"
I guess not everyone will agree to my thoughts, and I will be labeled an arsehole for sure and ruined, but Im sure the Hawaiians will agree with my sentiment if no one else.

Anonymous
Posts: 37

Re: Bruce Irons to straddle Gold Coast
Reply #27 on : Sun January 31, 2010, 11:25:38

Ok so He can't do spins and doesn't dress like an effeminate she-man from Bondi. He is one of the worlds best surfers in heavy waves with a great style that allot of people would kill for. Give him a break and live your own lives.

shite4brains
Posts: 37

Re: Bruce Irons to straddle Gold Coast
Reply #26 on : Sun January 31, 2010, 07:18:53

this p-diddy lifestyle you speak of will go down the tubes like so many others before him. you cant drop off like that and expect to get paid. his prime years are gone and done. he could have banked some of that loot and made a nest egg. now bruce has to slog for money that im sure his lifestyle dictates. only problem...the kids have caught up and surpassed him. yeah he is one of the best at pipe and chopes but that doesnt justify paying him a 6 fig salary. cant wait to see a local car dealership sticker on his board soon

Mic
Posts: 37

Re: Bruce Irons to straddle Gold Coast
Reply #25 on : Sun January 31, 2010, 07:00:26

What he is saying is fine, he's just talking about gambling and having fun, I'm at loss understanding how people get so upset by it. Comedic really..

Anonymous
Posts: 37

Re: Bruce Irons to straddle Gold Coast
Reply #24 on : Sat January 30, 2010, 22:49:14

Othello, I guess it's the opposite. It's Paris Hilton the artistic genious, and I know nothing about kai Neville's pussy. In fact, I don't know Kai Neville at all...

Othello Von Hater
Posts: 37

The term Hater
Reply #23 on : Sat January 30, 2010, 20:58:11

The term "hater" is more played out than Paris Hilton's pussy and Kai Neville's so-called "artistic genious" combined.

Please evolve your mind to the point where you can make a logical counterpoint to the fact that when Bruce Irons opens his mouth he sounds like a siezuring cockatiel.

Thank you in advance for helping Darwin's waning cause.

Socrates
Posts: 37

Re: Bruce Irons to straddle Gold Coast
Reply #22 on : Sat January 30, 2010, 20:10:53

Hey I'll be one of the first to say Bruce is an incredible surfer. Its not hate, it's cynicism Dickheads!!!

Suck it haters
Posts: 37

Have some 10s bitches
Reply #21 on : Sat January 30, 2010, 17:27:58

Haters...have a look at the 10 Bruce pulled in the Pipe contest today. He'll still probably lose in the next round and complain about shitty waves.

There's still a very short list that can match him in waves of consequence.

Eisonhawk O'hana
Posts: 37

bruce is gone get a hat trick
Reply #20 on : Sat January 30, 2010, 16:03:35

bruce is gone get a hat trick

lolo
Posts: 37

dusty
Reply #19 on : Sat January 30, 2010, 16:01:32

dusty is the new big dog in the volcom house.. wittle brucie better start packing up the master suite. i used to love this guys surfing before he became just another fuckhead. he sounds like he's 12 years old. such a great example of the human species.. makes me embarrassed to be from hawaii much less a surfer.. can you please just go away now to your little house in hanalei plantation where all the other posers live on kauai. loser..god what does mia see in you...

Anonymous
Posts: 37

Re: Bruce Irons to straddle Gold Coast
Reply #18 on : Sat January 30, 2010, 15:36:06

he should get an automatic wildcard into chopes every year. to this day i havent seen another person pull off the late drop to no grab foamball slide all while grabbing his nutsac and flipping off the entire channel. classic!

Perth Standlick
Posts: 37

urm..
Reply #17 on : Sat January 30, 2010, 06:29:18

Good article.
love that shit.
It's got heart.

Disco
Posts: 37

Scum
Reply #16 on : Sat January 30, 2010, 04:51:38

You guys hate more than an in-grown hair on a nutsack. Is this the player hater's ball? Why would any of you waste your time reading this story if you hated Bruce in the first place. Take your tongues out of hairy ass crack and get the fuck off this site.

Vinnie's Time!
Posts: 37

the poor bogans who worship pro surfers...
Reply #15 on : Sat January 30, 2010, 01:06:59

he's an amazing surfer... but he's as douchebag as a bag of douche can get.

Socrates
Posts: 37

Re: Bruce Irons to straddle Gold Coast
Reply #14 on : Fri January 29, 2010, 22:35:37

Bruce's spin reads more like...... He quit the tour and was shocked at how quickly he was forgotten.
His major sponsor, who funds his highly self indulgent lifestyle, was even more stunned.
"Hey Bruce", says major sponsor, "you know we really can't justify paying you shitloads to go fishing and change nappies, here's your new amended contract."
"You can't do this" says an indignant Bruce.
"Well Bruce I know you don't live in the real world but sponsors need exposure in return for..... you know.... all that cash"!!!
"What about this then" , says Bruce, "I'll just release a bullshit statement that I never retired and I really do love competing. Now your coming round says major sponsor.

Anonymous
Posts: 37

Re: Bruce Irons to straddle Gold Coast
Reply #13 on : Fri January 29, 2010, 19:15:07

Bruce Irons seems really a great guy, open minded, smart, well educated...It's already tough to hang out with an hawaiian (except you're a mono-syllabic retard yourself)but this one seems a real specimen.

Anonymous
Posts: 37

Re: Bruce Irons to straddle Gold Coast
Reply #12 on : Fri January 29, 2010, 18:21:42

bruce needs to step up his air game

JohnNY
Posts: 37

Re: Bruce Irons to straddle Gold Coast
Reply #11 on : Fri January 29, 2010, 16:10:24

Bruce Irons.........I thought that guy was dead.

Anonymous
Posts: 37

Re: Bruce Irons to straddle Gold Coast
Reply #10 on : Fri January 29, 2010, 13:22:49

andy is not in aus. (yet) he surfed with kelly yesterday.

Jack
Posts: 37

Re: Bruce Irons to straddle Gold Coast
Reply #9 on : Fri January 29, 2010, 11:52:20

Isn't andy in the volcom pipe comp?

Nah, Andy landed two days ago with his girl Lyndie. He's been training with Luke Egan around Coolangatta.

Last Edit: January 29, 2010, 12:05:49 by Jed Smith

The Goldfish
Posts: 37

Re: Bruce Irons to straddle Gold Coast
Reply #8 on : Fri January 29, 2010, 11:40:56

After Padang was flattened by an earthquake Stab interviewed Bruce...

When asked whether it's disrespectful to surf the surrounding waves while thousands lay trapped and dying, Bruce says no.

"Selfish? I've got mouths to feed at home. I've gotta do my job."

Don't forget those hungry mouths when you're blowing coin at the casino Brucey.

Write a comment

Required fields are marked with *.

Showing comments 1 to 30 of 37 | Next | Last

Stab Magazine