Surfing Magazine asked six pro surfers what they’d do if they were President of the United States.
Dane Reynolds was the only one worth reading… unless you wanted to be scared out of your wits. In that case, Karina Petroni’s is great too. Kelly Slater may be, honestly, retarded.
In the accompanying photo spread, Surfing put the surfers in the cheapest, poorest-cut, boxiest suits ever made. I don’t know what they were thinking. I’m angry because I already had a talk with Dane about the virtues of French fashion. I could see a Gap tag sticking out of Damo’s jacket. And I know that Kelly’s shirt was Van Heusen. Gag.
Name: Dane Reynolds
Party: Republican
Pertinent quotes: “I would take Social Security money
to Cuba and spend it on booze and prostitutes…
When debauchery loses its fun I’d return (to the US)
and declare Cubans as savages.”
President he most resembles: George W Bush because
GW toyed with the entire Middle East like Dane
would toy with Cuba.
Other world leaders he resembles: Libya’s Mummar
Qadaffi, because he surrounds himself with a
super-hot, all-female elite bodyguard force. Sounds
like something Dane would do. Also, Nicolas Sarkozy
because he surrounded himself with a super-hot,
all-female Carla Brunei.
Policies: Sweet, sweet laissez-faire.
Immigration: More brown people equals more cheap
labor!
Iran: Send all your hot chicks to America, then fuck
off.
Israel: Send all your hot chicks to America, then go
fuck yourself.
Russia: Send all your hot chicks to America, then go
fuck Israel and Iran. Send vodka too.
Energy crisis: is pretty rad.
Recession: don’t affect the rich.
He’ll vote for: George W Bush – write in third term.
Israel: Send all your hot chicks to America, then go fuck yourself.
Russia: Send all your hot chicks to America, then go fuck Israel and Iran. Send vodka too.
Energy crisis: is pretty rad.
Recession: don’t affect the rich.
He’ll vote for: George W Bush – write in third term.
Name: Tanner Gudauskas
Party: Green
Pertinent quotes: “…it is our job to preserve Mother Earth.”
President he most resembles: Teddy Roosevelt created the National Park Service in order to preserve nature… and hunt moose.
Other world leaders he resembles: Saparmurat Turkmenbashi Niyazov of Turkmenistan has a virtually unpronounceable name.
Policies: Environmentally friendly!
Immigration: Negative population growth! (i.e. Kill poor third-world fucks who sneak in and wash their clothes with toxic detergent in our rivers and poo toxic, bean-filled poo in our streets!)
Iran: Stop polluting our Mother with nuclear stuff, jerks!
Israel: You guys kill third-world fucks! Keep it up!
Russia: I look Russian. My name sounds Russian, if you squint.
Energy crisis: Let’s never use oil again, okay?
Recession: Serves us right! Our Mother is spanking us with our pants down.
He’ll vote for: Al Gore – write in.
Name: Karina Petroni
Party: National Socialist German Workers
Pertinent quotes: “My Norwegian mother came in legally. So did my father’s grandparents. Nobody gave them a penny. America was founded on people like that, not freeloaders living off other people’s earnings.”
President she most resembles: Charles Lindbergh should have been elected President. He was a good American Nazi.
Other world leaders she resembles: Joseph Goebbels, Adolf Hitler.
Policies: Third Reich, part 3!
Immigration: Toten si die Mexican!
Iran: Toten sie die Persians!
Israel: Toten sie die JUDEN! Wir konnen nicht stillstehen, bis sie alle tot sind!
Russia: You will PAY for the Battle of Stalingrad you worthless Slavic motherfuckers!
Energy crisis: It’s because of the Jews.
Recession: Jews’ fault.
She’ll vote for: Obama, I mean Hitler – posthumous write in.
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Name: Damian Hobgood
Party: Democratic
Pertinent quotes: “I wouldn’t do a very good job as President.”
President he most resembles: Jimmy Carter didn’t think he’d do a very good job either… and he didn’t.
Other world leaders he resembles: Gordon Brown is sorta fucking up England right now, and Angela Merkel is doing pretty shitty in Germany.
Policies: Try not to rock the boat.
Immigration: What would Bill Clinton do?
Iran: Ummmmm Israel: Shit, this is hard.
Russia: I thought Ronald Reagan already beat ‘em. Shit. They’re back?
Energy crisis: My Ford F-350 costs $350 to fill up.
Recession: Can I go now?
He’ll vote for: One vote cast in Florida for Obama. One vote cast in Georgia for McCain…
Name: Dustin Barca
Party: Communist
Pertinent quotes: “I would start by giving back all the stolen land to indigenous peoples.”
President he most resembles: Woodrow Wilson gave the Philippines back to the Flips.
Other world leaders he resembles: Viscount Louis Mountbatten signed India over to the Indians on behalf of the British.
Policies: Kill whitey!
Immigration: Fuck, man, let the brown tidal wave roll!
Iran: Are they brown or white?
Israel: Give Palestine back, you dirty cocksucking colonists!
Russia: What does, “scratch a Russian find a Tartar” mean?
Energy crisis: Replace gasoline with methamphetamine.
Recession: Serves you right, Haole.
He’ll vote for: OBAMA
Name: Kelly Slater
Party: of Five.Pertinent quotes: “There are far too many issues for any one person to know intimately enough to do a good job at all of them. For instance, roughly 60,000 plastic bags are used in the US every five seconds. The average family uses 800 such bags a year but each one for only 20 minutes before being thrown away. One million sea creatures die a year from plastic bags and around one trillion plastic bags are produced a year worldwide. I’d enact a bill to phase our plastic bag production within a year.”
President he most resembles: Andrew Johnson is widely considered the worst President in US history. After reading all of Kelly’s Presidential ideas, he’d be
waaaay worse.
Other world leaders he resembles: Mikhail Gorbechev, because both of their naked skulls are identifiable.
Policies: Whatever is trite and vaguely retarded!
Then we’ll build a really big kindergarten and it’ll be in Texas and they’ll all go there and learn how to read and write English. It’ll have the world’s biggest chalkboard and all the immigrants will play on swing sets made out of plastic bags when they’re not studying English. Iran: The reason that Iranians hate us and are
developing nuclear weapons is because they don’t like us. That’s because we have had really bad policies toward the Middle East. So, I would go over there and explain that it’s all better now because I’m President. That’s pretty much it.
Israel: I used to love Bar Rafeali before she left me. So I’m totally angry at Israel right now. It’d be unfair if I said something rash. I would totally regret it later.
Russia: Russia right now is angry because we made them look bad in the 80s. We showed everyone that communism is not very works well. So I would apologise to them for that and tell them that communism is probably better than what we have here.
Energy crisis: If we have the technology to make boats that go underwater, we certainly have the technology
to make a car that runs on plastic bags. I hate thos things so bad.
Recession: You know, if America could just win nine world titles, like I’ve done, things wouldn’t be so bad. Whenever I’m down, I just look at all those world titles on my mantle, and if I’m not thinking about Bar Rafeali or plastic bags at the same time, it makes me really happy.
He’ll vote for: OBAMA!
